It's a pretty safe bet that Prince Harry has some regrets about his recent Fear and No Clothing in Las Vegas romp.
He probably regrets letting himself be photographed giving a girl a naked bear hug.
He probably regrets not removing his jeans before racing Ryan Lochte in a pool, because there is literally nothing heavier in the world than wet jeans.
He probably regrets getting his security team in trouble, or maybe just hiring an incompetent security team in the first place.
Harry's biggest regret, though, is likely a bit of news that has only just come to light: That 32-year-old licensed esthetician he made out with?
Turns out she's 40, dude, haha gross.
70-year-old Carrie Reichert recently sold her story about her "15 to 20 minutes" of passion with the prince to U.K. publication the People.
According to excerpts provided by the Daily Mail British-born Reichert said she and Harry discussed her childhood in Britain ("I grew up there." "Cool, I am the prince of there.") before sliding all the way to first base, which Harry found "great":
"We kissed for 15 to 20 minutes. I am sure someone stumbled in as there were people going in and out of rooms all the time. We kissed again and he said 'That was great.'"
But take a look down at those soft lips, you're kissing, Prince Harry; it turns out you're hugging nothing but a dirty old pile of pirate bones.
Celebuzz reports that Carrie Reichert's ex-husband Paul has just come forward to tell everyone the truth about his big-time celebrity ex-wife:
"She's definitely not 32."
"Online records," the website helpfully points out, suggest "Carrie Reichert is actually 40 years old."
But if Harry was already scraping his tongue raw with a hard-bristled tooth brush at that revelation, this next bombshell will make him want to just rip out all his teeth and tastebuds and start all over again:
According to 1930 census records provided by Ancestry.com, Carrie Reichert was actually actually born in 1861, making her 151 haha gross.
A representative from St. James' palace said Reichert's story "is untrue." The Daily Mail reports that a source "close to the prince" says Harry and Reichert never met.
However, when shown a picture of Prince Harry, the afternoon hostess at the Old Country Buffet on Jonestown Rd. said "Oh, that nice young man? He comes here every Tuesday with Mrs. Reichert."