How do you like the view from the cheap seats? We are sitting next to the gentleman from the Daily Caller, which ought to give you a sense of where Gawker sits in the Democratic Party hierarchy. Hamilton Nolan and I are here at the Time Warner Cable Arena, watching history (in the form of pro forma theatrics) happening before our eyes. It's raining outside, and a sad graveyard of discarded umbrellas (you can't bring them inside) sits outside the front entrance. Someone just said, "I'm Jewish, I'm gay, I'm a father, and I'm an entrepreneur." Let's liveblog!
8:32 (John): Nancy Keenan, president of NARAL, just delivered a rousing speech about how Mitt Romney wants to control your uterus.
8:36 (John): Nate Davis, the director of veterans affairs for Xavier University, just gave an exceedingly brief speech about Obama's commitment to veterans, which is important because his policies have generated a LOT of veterans!
8:37 (Hamilton): On stage at the Democratic National Convention, normal "American Voice" Nate Davis says, "I don't stand here tonight as a Democrat or as a Republican." This is a lie.
8:37 (Hamilton): From our keen perch behind the podium, I can see Tammy Duckworth's two prosthetic limbs. The Republican Party is grateful for the podium blocking this view.
8:41 (John): Tammy Duckworth just said she and Barack Obama helped end the "outrage" of veterans sleeping on the "same streets they once defended." FACT CHECK: Veterans still sleep on streets, I think.
8:43 (John): Nothing says "Democratic convention" like rabid, mindless chants of "USA! USA! USA!"
8:43 (Hamilton): One might think that losing limbs in the course of warfare is the last unassailable accomplishment for a political candidate, but... remember Max Cleland. Maybe you wouldn't have lost those legs if you'd loved America a little more, hmm?
8:46 (John): Lincoln Chafee, who ascended to the Senate to replace his father, who was also a senator, is an EXCELLENT avatar of fairness and meritocracy for this convention. Hey, are there any Kennedys speaking tonight?
8:46 (Hamilton): "There is nothing moderate about our love of country," Lincoln Chafee says, moderately, before wrapping an American flag around a baby goat and slowly cutting its throat, never blinking.
8:50 (Hamilton): "Oh my god, it's like more than two hours until Michelle Obama. We started way too early. I gotta go to the bathroom." - John Cook. We may have lost him.
8:50 (John): Someone just scolded me for failing to lift the toilet seat when I peed. Democrats.
8:57 (Hamilton): "One in a hundred children are born with a congenital heart defect. President Obama is fighting for them." Special interest influence in Washington is sickening.
9:06 (John): Ohio Gov. Ted Strickland: "If Mitt Romney were Santa Claus, he would fire the reindeer and outsource the elves." FACT CHECK: Mormons don't believe in Santa Claus.
9:08 (John): Strickland just reamed Romney for his failure to advocate bailing out a multibillion dollar global corporation with taxpayer dollars. Democrats!
9:08 (Hamilton): Ted Strickland is the Huey Long of wherever Ted Strickland is from.
9:10 (John): They don't call Kathleen Sebelius "the Silver Bullet" for nothin' (listening to her speak about healthcare is as exciting as watching an inanimate bullet that's made of silver).
9:12 (John) Sebelius is flacking for the Obamacare provision that makes insurance companies refund money to consumers for money spent on things other than healthcare. Wait are we supposed to want taxpayers to give money to companies (GM) or companies to give money to taxpayers?
9:14 (Hamilton): At the RNC, speakers droned on and on about how Obama was infringing on freedom of religion by forcing Catholics to give female employees contraception. Here at the DNC, speakers drone on and on about how this same action is a demonstration of Obama protecting women's rights. They're both right. The more truthful way to say it is that Obama is protecting women's rights at the expense of freedom of religion because, come on, that religion is some crazy shit.
9:16 (John): Rahm Emanuel, Mayor of Murdertown!
9:18 (Hamilton): Obama Recommends Tackling Everything At Once: Is Terrible NFL Defensive Coordinator.
9:20 (John): Rahm: "Never again will taxpayers foot the bill for Wall Street's excesses." But we will forever foot the bill for GM's excesses! Or something!
9:22 (Hamilton): Rahm's reason to Vote Obama: He goes "all in" when the experts give him a 25% chance of success. Americans don't understand statistics, and neither should their president.
9:25 (John): All Rahm is talking about is how Obama made every decision with just "hedging" and guesses from his staff. Sounds like he was a shitty chief of staff.
9:28 (John): Kal Penn says his favorite job is "having as a boss the guy who gave the order to take out Osama bin Laden" which is KIND OF A STRETCH. I don't think he discussed it with Penn.
9:30 (Hamilton): FACT CHECK ALERT: How can we trust any of these stories that Kal Penn is telling us, KNOWING that he is a registered Democrat?? Riddle me that, marijuana users.
9:31 (John): Kal Penn is sending people to Commit.BarackObama.com. COMMIT BARACK OBAMA.
9:38 (John): So far this convention is all about Barack Obama: windwalker, vagina-lover, auto-mechanic. Kind of hard to imagine that there were RNC speeches that barely mentioned Romney. This is cult of personality stuff.
9:38 (Hamilton): On a video just now Barack Obama said "daughters" before "sons." Vagina Monologues up in here. #RepublicanDaughtersForRomney
9:40 (John): Technically speaking, Lilly Ledbetter lost her fight.
9:43 (Hamilton): Lily Ledbetter has named every single item that it is possible to spend money on. Do you spend money on any of these items? Vote Obama.
9:44 (John): Ladies and gentlemen, tip your hardworking reporters.
9:49 (John): Deval Patrick says in Massachusetts "you can marry whomever you love." FACT CHECK: Eliza Dushku won't marry me.
9:50 (Hamilton): Stadium Full of Dems Erupts In Salacious Applause For Homosexual Anal Sex: Deval Patrick Hints at More Anal Penis Sex For American Under Obama Term Two: Thousands of Dems Clap Lustily, Imaging Homosexuality (More of It)
9:52 (John): Mitt Romney is trying to hold Barack Obama down and shave his head!
9:58 (John): Shout-out to Brooklyn!
9:58 (Hamilton): Martin O'Malley successfully convinces America that he is real, not a character from The Wire— with the help of the Obama administration.
10:03 (John): I don't know. We can't move up? Or over a little, maybe?
9:54 (Hamilton): The phrase "with the help of the Obama administration" should be appended to any accomplishment of any sort anywhere in America over the past four years.
10:03 (Hamilton): "We are Americans. We must act like Americans," says Martin O'Malley. A statement that Democrats and Klan members alike can embrace.
10:08(John): Julian Castro's twin brother must be so jealous.
10:08 (John): Fuck the Black-Eyed Peas.
10:10 (John): Julian Castro says he was "born as the Cold War receded." FACT CHECK: He was born in 1974.
10:10 (Hamilton): It sure LOOKED like Julian Castro's "twin brother" just introduced him— but did he? We can't be sure.
10:14 (John): The brutal efficiency of the sign-distribution operation in this arena is amazing and terrifying.
10:14 (Hamilton): "Opportunity created today will lead to prosperity tomorrow," Julian Castro's typical tax-and-spend liberal grandparents told him. Ponzi scheme ideas like that start in the HOME, and no that's just a hard truth, America.
10:15 (John): There are a LOT of pro-business people who are not pro-education. Like the shareholders of McDonald's.
10:16 (Hamilton): Why do we educate children? INVESTMENT. Economic investment to pay future monetary dividends. That is the moral underpinning of our public education system.- Up-and-coming Democratic leader.
10:20 (Hamilton): I can't believe that all these police officers in here are tolerating all this yelling from minorities.
10:21 (John): Take that Harry Truman, you pussy.
10:27 (John): I bet Harry Reid is feeling really bad about his speech right now.
10:24 (Hamilton): The Teleprompter says "CONCLUSION" in big yellow letters. Not to get too inside baseball, but inside the Beltway, this often signifies the speech's conclusion is coming.
10:30 (John): FACT CHECK: Julian Castro wasn't actually holding the microphone. It was on a little stand thingie.
10:30 (Hamilton): That last guy was totally biased. So obvious.
10:32 (Hamilton): Before Michelle Obama speaks, they play the 17-minute spoken word intro to a Fugees album.
10:37 (Hamilton): "What's a mom like me doing in a place like this?" asks some mom, from the stage. I know, right? Get the fuck off stage. We want Michelle Obama who's way prettier than you, and plus Dems hate moms. #Dads #Strength
10:39 (John): When the DNC seated us here, I bet they didn't realize we'd be able to stare at Michelle Obama's butt the whole speech.
10:40 (Hamilton): The REAL news here is what Michelle Obama is wearing: some pink thing. Will pink be the "hot" color in 2013? You heard it here first, fashionistas. (Bonus tip: dresses: will they be hot, as well? Maybe.)
10:43 (John): Michelle Obama is explaining why she let Barack Obama become president. Thanks, Michelle!
10:43 (Hamilton): "I'd give my eyes 100 times again to have the chance to do what I've done, and what I can still do." Some soldier who got his eyes blown out in Afghanistan allegedly said this to Michelle Obama. Was he delirious? Why give your eyes to do what you can "still do," without eyes? I do not believe this attitude is beneficial for America.
10:47 (John): Barack Obama's grandmother was a secretary at a "community bank"? Is that where he got the community organizing bug? Sounds suspicious. Calling World Net Daily.
10:49 (John): Mitt Romney doesn't tip his janitors.
10:54 (John): Barack Obama went from being the son of a poor single mother to ordering the extrajudicial assassination of American citizens. What a country.
10:55 (Hamilton): Women will decide this election. Who loves you more, women? The Mormon proper lady or the pretty stylish lady? They are both mothers sisters daughters empathize with you very much! Politics is all about hard choices.
10:56 (John): Michelle Obama would very much like you to know that Barack Obama is the same guy you voted for four years ago so please, please, please do it again.
10:58 (John): Michelle Obama: I didn't really love my husband very much at first.
10:58 (Hamilton): Well let me tell you something, if SHE loves her husband more than she did four years ago, then who am I to not to vote for him? Substance.
11:03 (John): "I'm not just a wife—I'm also a mother! (I used to be a lawyer too, but no one cares about that, so whatever)."
11:04 (Hamilton): The important thing here is that Michelle Obama, highly educated professional, remain as a caricatured "mom in chief," in order to not upset traditional American gender standards. Four more years of this, please and thank you and cookies!
11:07 (John): There's a benediction right now. Typical Democrats—Michelle Obama just had to go first. Ahead of GOD.
11:10 (John): And thus ended the first night of the Democratic National Convention. Good night. Exeunt.