Greetings from the Democratic National Convention in horrible Charlotte, North Carolina, where your humble correspondents were just penned like dogs with a mass of humanity while waiting for fire marshals or some such to approve our entrance. Hamilton Nolan, myself, and SPECIAL GUEST AND GAWKER EMERITA Ana Marie Cox of the Guardian are here to liveblog this magical night for you. Let's begin.
9:36 (Hamilton): Chaos is the order of the day here in the Time Warner Cable Sucks Arena. The press has contended with police and bad wi-fi connections already, in addition to bad seats. Nevertheless, we are here. Politics! What a crowd in here! I can report: a full house tonight.
9:40 (Hamilton): Why are Democrats harping on the god damn auto industry so much? All because some headline writer once put a sensational headline on a Mitt Romney op-ed. And because Romney wanted Detroit to go broke, and die.
9:45 (John): "That's why unions matter!" Said the union leader at a convention held in a right-to-work state.
9:45 (Ana): Charlotte is to journalists what Tampa was to delegates: NO MESSAGE TOTAL SHITSHOW.
9:46: (Ana): "Making money without a moral compass" but still able to send a wire to the Cayman Islands.
9:47 (Hamilton): The wi-fi here at the DNC appears to be controlled by the Republican party.
9:49 (Hamilton): Tonight, Joe Biden will assemble an entire car LIVE ON STAGE.
9:53 (Hamilton): Chris Van Hollen referencing fact checkers again. When will lib bigots stop coloring the discussion with facts?
9:53 (John): Chris Van Hollen: The guy who's so important he went on JUST before primetime.
9:56 (John): Where is Sandra Fluke? She was supposed to speak in the 8 p.m. hour. Is she having sex, with contraception? Probably.
9:57 (Ana): Of the President's debt reduction plan: "It's on the internet!" This does not exactly inspire confidence.
10:00 (Ana): "Paul Ryan's *obsession* with tax breaks to the wealthy." I am okay with this characterization, DSM IV guidelines and all.
10:02 (John): Sandra Fluke LITERALLY just had sex with a dude. Probably.
10:03 (John): "Because it happened in Congress, people noticed." Honestly if you want people not to notice something, do it in Congress.
10:03 (Ana): Making fun of Sandra Fluke by implying she has a lot of sex is only funny because we don't mean it, obviously. Though clearly any woman who talks about sex in public is a dirty whore.
10:04 (Ana): What I'm trying to say is that these Fluke jokes are getting very meta, so meta that they're now just offensive on their own. SO THANKS A LOT, RUSH.
10:05 (John): Sandra Fluke clearly knows nothing of the close, strong bond that can form between a politician and his donors.
10:09 (Hamilton): Attention Americans, there are seven thousand jobs available at Costco. Line up now.
10:11 (Hamilton): Undecided voters: Who among you dares contradict the endorsement of a corporate CEO? Game over.
10:14 (John): Nothing like the CEO of Costco to get the crowd FIRED UP AND READY TO GO BY TALKING ABOUT TRANSPORTAION INFRASTRUCTURE. Let's hear it for roads!
10:15 (Hamilton): Obama Wins Boring Man's Vote.
10:16 (Ana): So speaking of the wi-fi here, what IS former FEMA director Michael Brown doing these days?
10:17 (John): "I never dreamed I'd be the warm-up act for President Clinton." That sounds dirty. Bill dreamed of it, Lizzie. Oh, did he dream.
10:17 (Hamilton): The term "shout out" officially died tonight.
10:19 (John): One of the things that always made Elizabeth Warren so great heretofore was that she never had to spout platitudes at political conventions.
10:20 (Ana): Eliz Warren is so energized I bet she's had at least half a cup of coffee.
10:21 (John): Shoutout to the programmers!
10:25 (Ana): I want to like her so much but she just makes me want to take up quilting - though with an awesome obscurist and social-justice component. I'll make them only from rags from the clothes worn by the GM strikers in Flint.
10:27 (Hamilton): Billionaires' secretaries are apparently now America's most powerful lobbying group.
10:28 (Ana): "American families didn't have an army of lobbyists on our side, but what we had was a President" - who had lobbyists on his side.
10:29 (Hamilton): It is still NOT too late for the Democrats to roll out Hologram Ted Kennedy.
10:31 (Ana): Honestly if Warren can get the hall this excited given her own energy level, WE HAVE SOLVED THE OIL CRISIS.
10:33 (Hamilton): Out of all the politicians at both conventions who have been the subject of jingoistic, hero-worshiping propaganda videos, I bet Bill Clinton likes his the best.
10:34 (Ana): We have reached the OMG PONIES!!!!111!!! portion of our program.
10:36 (Ana): I have this sense that in order to put together a clip of Obama saying nice things about Clinton, they had to splice it together Call Me Maybe-cover-style.
10:37 (Hamilton): Bill Clinton Declares Intention to Fuck Michelle Obama.
10:39 (John): Man what I'd give to know what Clinton said to Fluke backstage. PROBABLY SOMETHING DIRTY BUT CHARMING.
10:40 (Ana): Taking on the massive #humblebrag that was #RNC2012 is probably the best service Clinton can provide. With his clothes on. #dnc12
10:42 (John): Shoutout to PEPFAR!
10:44 (John): Bill Clinton: "Nobody's right all the time." FACT CHECK: I am right all the time.
10:45 (Hamilton): Standing O for Clinton's endorsement of Joe Biden. Biden himself unavailable.
10:46 (John): "Heck, he even appointed Hillary!" doesn't sound like a compliment?
10:47 (Hamilton): Maybe Clinton is taking up all the "cooperation" rhetoric that Obama used in 2008, so Obama will be free to tear motherfuckers a new asshole with a clear conscience tomorrow night.
10:49 (Ana): I think the crowd is just randomly cheering now.
10:49 (John): The pre-programmed signs everybody has been given read "Middle Class First," but "Class" is really small, so from the cheap seats it looks like "Middle First," which is really confusing.
10:51 (Hamilton): DEMOCRATS CHEER WILDLY FOR RONALD REAGAN.
10:53 (John): Much of Clinton's speech is off the cuff, or at least a deviation from the teleprompter. It's delivered much better than it's written.
10:56 (John): Barack Obama has four minutes to come out if he wants to hit primetime.
10:58 (John): Bill Clinton has JUST REACHED THE HALFWAY MARK of his speech. Settle in. Obama is probably fuming.
11:01 (Ana): Math is hard.
11:05 (Hamilton): Boy Clinton is really leaving himself open to quite a few Jay Leno jokes about talking a long time, hey did you say LONG, something something, penis (implied).
11:06 (John): That was a poignant moment, because Bill Clinton loves donuts.
11:08 (Ana): I am pretty sure he laughed, btw. As he does most of the time when watching lesser politicians.
11:09 (John): "Re-open the donut hole" actually sounds like a lot of fun.
11:12 (John): Ending the federal commitment to preventing American citizens from starving on its streets (a.k.a. welfare reform) is the worst thing Bill Clinton ever did, except for bombing the shit out of innocent Serbian civilians and dragging the nation through an interminable blowjob scandal because he's a compulsive monster.
11:14 (Hamilton): Inside tipster (no joke) tells us: "Obama coming out in t minus...TK...." Those ellipses are an accurate representation of the uncertainty of Bill Clinton speech length.
11:18 (John): JUST STOP PLEASE STOP IT.
11:20 (John): FACT CHECK: This hall is OK, but it's really not "grand."
11:20 (Hamilton): "You should vote for Barack Obama," says Clinton. Finally, his choice is revealed. I assume the speech is over now. Cat: out of bag.
11:21 (John): "If you think gay people ought to be able to marry each other"—wait, what?
11:26 (Hamilton): Okay Clinton finished talking and then Obama came out and then they left. Good night, America.