Let's Live Blog the Hell Out of This Obama Coronation Night Y'allS

Greetings, fellow Americans. My colleague John Cook and I are broadcasting LIVE from about 20 yards southwest of the podium at the Democratic National Convention. We're bloggers, but we're most proud of our job as a mom to our precious children, [NAME] and [NAME].

Tonight is the night that all Americans come together to orgasm over our leader, Barack Obama. Let's live blog, shall we?

11:35 (John): And we have a lid. It didn't rain.

11:09 (John): For the record, Joe Biden was MUCH more attentive to the folks in the cheap seats.

11:06 (John): That is some WEAK confetti. Obama can kill bin Laden and rescue GM but he can't come up with some balloons on short notice?

10:58 (John): "I AM PRESIDENT!" *Holds up bin Laden's head, impales it on hood ornament of a Chrysler and drives through crowd*

10:55 (John): We are the ones we were disappointed by!

10:52 (John): This country is not about about borrowing from your parents, which is why I'm proud to have had Beau Biden take the stage before me tonight. We're not entitled to success. We have to earn it. Wasn't Caroline Kennedy great! Give here a hand everyone!

10:50 (John): No we will not turn over Social Security to Wall Street. Just the Treasury Department.

10:48 (John): "I am going to reform the tax code." No. No you are not going to reform the tax code.

10:45 (John): Trying to imagine Bush crowing over Saddam Hussein's death while a crowd shouts "USA! USA! USA!" Maybe it happened, but I think I'd remember. Because I'll remember this.

10:43 (John): This is some straight bloodthirsty shit.

10:41 (John): Cool, so Obama is going to make teachers inspire, principals lead, parents instill, and children work. Sounds like a plan.

10:38 (Hamilton): The DNC has been sponsored by: The Detroit Pistons, the Detroit Lions, the Detroit Tigers, General Motors, Kid Rock, Eminem, and the movie Cars.

10:39 (John): This is has Clinton written all over it. We can [action verb] [noun] by [really high round number] in [number of years]!

10:38 (Hamilton): Barack Obama is sticking to script closely and using VIRTUALLY NO AD LIBS WHATSOEVER. What does it all mean?

10:37 (John): Me? I can create a million new manufacturing jobs? Awesome. OK, I'll do it.

10:29 (Hamilton): Barack Obama is so good at acknowledging your qualms, and continuing on with the thing that gives you qualms. Masterful.

10:34 (John): If Obama wins and the GOP holds on the the House, there will be no moving forward. Just idling and grinding gears.

10:30 (John): Everyone plays by the same rules. Unless the rule is about not killing Americans without due process of law.

10:28 (John): The hope wasn't really "tested" by one of the worst economic crises in history. It was initially pitched as an answer to that crisis.

10:26 (John): OK he just accepted the nomination let's all go home. Good convention people!

10:21 (Hamilton): I mean, that auto bailout must have polled almost as high as "having a close relative with cancer," because most people who don't live in Michigan forgot about that years ago, and now it's the star of the show.

10:13 (John): Dick Durbin is a supernice dude. Stood next to him in a taxi line once. Carry on.

10:09 (Hamilton): Well, THAT was nationalistic jingoism at its finest.

10:08 (John): JOE BIDEN JUST POINTED DIRECTLY AT YOUR LIVEBLOGGERS

10:05 (John): The only truly sacred obligation we have" is to our troops. FACT CHECK: We also have to slaughter and burn seven lambs a night on the White House lawn.

10:03 (Hamilton): A good game for liberals to play is to visualize all Biden's America-first rhetoric coming out of the mouth of Pat Buchanan, and see how they feel about it then.

10:02 (John): "You didn't give up, you got up." What, precisely, would "giving up" look like? Everyone stops showing up for work and just watch real estate reality shows on the couch all day? BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

9:59 (John): Message: Mitt Romney isn't a real American. They are Kerry-ing the hell out of this guy. Surprised there's been no reference to his fluent French.

9:56 (John): When Joe Biden says, "I'm not exaggerating," he's probably drunk, because he's drunk all the time (Irish).

9:54 (Hamilton): Obama administration's ENTIRE RECORD, DNC version: Bailed out Detroit and killed bin Laden. Obama administration's ENTIRE RECORD, RNC version: One time he said, "you didn't build that."

9:53 (John): The only thing more awesome than a successful hit is a multibillion-dollar corporate bailout.

9:51 (Hamilton): Barack Obama personally trained Navy SEAL Team Six in little known Indonesian knife-fighting techniques while Mitt Romney sat around telling Mormons, "I think bin Laden should be allowed to live out his years in peace."

9:51 (John): I mean how many times has this crowd leapt to its feet to cheer a cold-blooded killing? Can we ululate?

9:48 (John): The assassination of bin Laden wasn't just the killing of one man—it was so much more than that! We killed his sons too!

9:42 (Hamilton): Report from someone looking at the teleprompter (me): Joe Biden ad libs not QUITE as much as Bill Clinton, but quite a bit.

9:40 (Hamilton): "I have the president of America's cell phone number and I call it whenever the hell I want," brags a visibly drunk Biden.

9:39 (John): At a "blogger briefing" today, DNC spokesman Brad Woodhouse emphasized the "character references" and "credentialing" that Biden and others would be offering on Obama's behalf. Which is weird, because he's the president of the United States.

9:35 (John): "I walk 30 paces down the hall to the Oval Office." He counts every step, each one pregnant with hope that today will be the day Barack invites him in and starts tossing around a football with him. And every day, 30 paces back.

9:28 (John): I keep expecting Ben Stiller to turn up as the villain.

9:25 (John): It's like a trailer for a really bad buddy movie in which thousands of soldiers die and the economy collapses.

9:25 (John): The narration from the guy who does movie trailers is a terrible, terribly cheesy touch.

9:24 (John): The Biden-hatred on the right is a true mystery to me. I can understand hating the Obamas. But Biden is an irreducibly lovable fool.

9:18 (Hamilton): Knowledgeable tipster tells us: "POTUS motorcade enroute."

9:10 (Hamilton): It does make sense that the less warlike party should be the party of choice for members of the military. Soldiers voting for politicians more likely to get them killed is one political dynamic I have never understood.

9:09 (John): Nobel Peace Prize winner Barack Obama's leadership of the world's finest organization of killing machines has been excellent!

9:08 (Hamilton): It would be nice if we could all be honest and admit that any president from either wing of either major part would have "given the order" to kill Osama bin Laden, and also that "giving the order" to do something completely uncontroversial does not make one a hero. If Bush had gotten bin Laden and he was repeating it ad nauseum at a convention, every liberal would be disgusted.

9:05 (John): We just watched a 15-minute video about Obama and the military. Apparently he gave the order to kill bin Laden? Informative stuff.

9:03 (John): Basically we get the internet here in the arena for like 2 minutes at a time every half-hour or so, so bear with us. We'll post when Barack Obama's minions let us.

8:48 (John): "I'll take the word of Israel's prime minister over Mitt Romney any day." It's called patriotism.

8:45 (Hamilton): It only took about 15 seconds to flash back to John Kerry's painful lack of the false charisma necessary to be President of the US. Can't believe we nominated that guy, for poor acting reasons alone.

8:47 (John): "It took president Obama to make American lead like America again." Wait did Obama lead or did America lead? Or did Obama lead America to leadership. This guy.

8:45 (John): "The only thing exceptional about today's Republican Party is that they oppose everything that made America exceptional in the first place!" Rolls right off the tongue.

8:43 (John): For some reason, flashbulbs are all of a sudden going crazy in the audience. Is a photo of John Kerry that rare?

8:41 (John): Does anybody remember that Geraldine Ferraro HATES BARACK OBAMA WITH A WHITE-HOT INTENSITY?

8:41 (John): Crist swallowed the last line: "And if you see the president before I do, give him a hug for Charlie!"

8:40 (John): "Hot game" is Charlie Crist's Grindr name.

8:38 (John): Wait Charlie Crist hugged a man and Republicans didn't like it? I WONDER WHY.

8:37 (John): The weird thing is that as governors, Romney and Crist were both very similar—moderate, technocratic, no fire-and-brimstone.

8:36 (John): FACT CHECK: "Former lifelong Republican" is an oxymoron.

8:32 (John): FACT CHECK: The bottom of the ocean is still on earth.

8:31 (John): Brian Schweitzer is wearing jeans at the podium. They don't wear suits in Montana? Even indoors?

8:28 (Hamilton): Gun-toting rural insult comic demands easier access to guns; crowd titters appreciatively.

8:26 (Hamilton): Larry the Cable Guy Endorses Barack Obama.

8:24 (Hamilton): Check back in 40 years; if that 13 year-old girl Eva Longoria just talked about is not president, Obama's legacy will be one of failure.

8:23 (Hamilton): Yo Jennifer Granholm was the most rockin' speech-giver so far at either convention. She is going directly from here to her debut MMA fight.

8:20 (Hamilton): This election is essentially a "who is more middle class" game. The losers? THE MIDDLE CLASS.

8:18 (John): These car metaphors! "Who changed America's air filter? Barack Obama!"

8:17 (John): Wow that's a lot of jobs.

8:15 (John): Why is there a Canadian onstage?

8:13 (John): So far we've heard from Joe Biden's son and John F. Kennedy's daughter tonight. The Democratic Party really is the party of opportunity!