The important thing to remember about out-of-office replies is that no one is ever happy to receive them. An out-of-office reply is your way of saying, to anyone who emails with a request, "You're out of luck, motherfucker – I'M GONE." Use them to list the dates you'll be gone and the name of an alternate contact person. Do not use them to trick people into reading all about your exciting life.
A tipster sent in this out-of-office reply recently received from a Condé Nast employee who is too blessed to be stressed.
Click to enlarge.
It starts strong: "I am currently out of the office…" and ends strong: "Thanks!" but, in between, gets lost in many magical twists and turns on the Candyland game board that is life. If you're emailing on Saturday, I'm marrying my best friend. If you're emailing on Sunday, I'm enjoying the sandy beaches of the Fijian coast. If you're emailing on Monday, I'm still enjoying the sandy beaches of the Fijian coast. If you're emailing between the hours of 2 and 4 p.m. on Monday, I'm getting a couples massage with my best friend/spouse. If you're emailing at 6 p.m., I'm dressing for dinner in a beautiful gossamer gown. If you're emailing at 6:45 p.m., I'm walking to dinner with my best friend/spouse. If you're emailing at 7 p.m., I'm reading my menu. If you're emailing on Tuesday, I'm climbing the Gumdrop Mountains. If you're emailing on Wednesday, I'm making love to my best friend under a canopy of trees in the Lollipop Woods.
Without a doubt, the most absurd part of the email is the section where the author implies that, if left to her own devices, she would gladly spend her honeymoon answering work correspondence. Unfortunately, her coworkers insisted she "just have fun" instead. She'd love to send you the files you urgently need. It's out of her hands. They're making her have fun.
If you hadn't guessed it, our tipster also notes that the signature "[blank] or [blank] (again, depends on the day)" contains both the sender's maiden and married names.
If you know the happy bride who sent this email, don't bother emailing to tell her you saw it on Gawker (or to notify her of the small "beckon call" typo) – she's out of the office either marrying her best friend or enjoying the sandy beaches of the Fijian Coast until September 18th.