Good news for those of you who travel a lot and look forward to throwing away your hotel's complimentary USA Today every morning: USA Today is getting a massive redesign. How's it look? Well, I think we at Gawker know a thing or two about horrific redesigns, so let's evaluate!

New logo!

This paper has long been identified with stupid pie charts, so the AD WIZARDS at USA Today have rightly adopted the pie as their unifying logo. Look at that nice big dot in the corner of the paper. It's just waiting to be split into warring factions over which way Americans roll their toilet paper. Because circles bring us, like, all together, you know?

New font!

Thicker. Bolder. Logo-ier. This is a font designed to handle all the weighty topics shown in this video, like dead Steve Jobs! And guitars! And swimming! And stock film of street signs!

New white space!

God, look at all that open white space on the page. It's almost as if they don't want to fill their newspaper with news.

Bold new marketing language!

This video is like a bukkake of empty marketing platitudes. The new USA Today isn't simply a crappy newsapaper. It's "a forum for better understanding unity to make the USA truly one nation." It's a paper that is "here to help Americans do their thing, whatever that may be." Like, WHATEVER! There's a crisis in Libya. DO YOUR THING, AMERICA. Go windsurfing on land. Watch hipsters do handsprings! WHATEVER. The paper will reclaim "our leadership in visual storytelling," which is good because the text is usually inane, and try to, "help Americans live the life they've always imagined," which seems like an odd mission for a publication that doesn't have Oprah Winfrey on its cover every month. But no matter. The new USA Today is here! It's bolder. It's circle-ier. It will unite us all in the spirit of roundness! I look forward to not reading it at the continental breakfast buffet.