Two households, both a'lacking in dignity,
In fair California, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean:
This is the Nickelodeon-Disney War of 2012.
As any twenty-something will tell you, there is no greater divide than that which separates "Disney Kids" from "Nickelodeon Kids" and also remember Ghost Writer and remember the 90's in general?
Disney Kids played soccer. Nickelodeon kids skateboarded (very slowly, just to the end of their street). Disney Kids wore clothes from Old Navy. Nickelodeon kids wore a shirt they pulled out of a sewer they were exploring with their friends. Disney kids could spell the word "nickelodeon." Nickelodeon kids could not, and so they called it "Nick."
Now the e'er smouldering fire of discord between these two groups has leapt up anew, thanks to a bit of ash flicked from the cigarette of Disney actress and professional bad driver Lindsay Lohan, in the form of a tweet (now deleted), reading Why did I get put in jail and a nickelodeon star has had NO punishment(s) so far? +.
Below, Gawker re-examines both Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes' contributions to the Arts, to help you determine which millionaire you should support in this clash of titans.
House Nickelodeon: Amanda Laura Bynes
Sigil: Slime splotch
Favorite Food: Quesadillas
Alleged Hell on Wheels Activity: DUI on April 6th; Hit-and-runs on April 10th and August 1st; Gettin' real high while driving on September 13th; Driving with a suspended license on September 17th
1996 – 2002: –All That
Amanda Bynes became the youngest cast member in All That history when she joined the sketch comedy series at age 10, in 1996, giving hope to children of all ages that they too could become the youngest cast member in All That history. Her debut on the show ushered in the next era of All That, when Katrina, Alisa, and Angelique Whom No One Remembers left the show. Her departure marked the end of my watching All That.
Relevant Clip: Ask Ashley
1997 – 1999 – Figure It Out
While the investigative panels on which Bynes served never quite managed to Figure It Out, she did get to hobnob with a number of celebrities on camera, including Olympian Summer Sanders and Owner of Fastest Jumping Frog.
Relevant Clip: SLIMED.
1999 – 2002 – The Amanda Show
Though it lasted only three seasons, The Amanda Show left behind a plethora of great legacies. Chief among them: popular spinoff Drake and Josh and the Amanda, Please website, for some reason still maintained on the Nick.com servers.
Relevant Clip: The Girls' Room.
2003 – What a Girl Wants
In What a Girl Wants, Amanda Bynes portrays an American girl with the improbable name of Daphne who discovers she is related to a family of foreign aristocrats. While this plotline was pursued to greater effect in 2001's The Princess Diaries, the Bynes version included Colin Firth and marked the earliest appearance of her now characteristic Bynes Bloat.
Relevant Clip: Trailer.
2006 – She's the Man
In an oddly prescient role, Bynes appears as Justin Bieber in this teen comedy adaptation of William Shakespeare's Twelfth Night.
Relevant Clip: Trailer.
House Disney: Lindsay Lohan
Sigil: Mouse head
Favorite Food: Sushi
Alleged Hell on Wheels Activity: DUI in May 2007; DUI in July 2007; Colliding with a dumptruck on June 8th; Hitting a pedestrian on September 19th.
1998 – The Parent Trap
While many viewers were disappointed to learn Lindsay Lohan was not really twins, she earned rave reviews for her portrayal of California wine country sweetheart Hallie Parker and fancy British girl Annie James in this remake of the 1961 Disney film.
Relevant Clip: child gambling and nudity.
2000 – Life-Size
Lohan appears as Casey Stuart, a 7th grader with a dead mother whose father's new girlfriend gives her an age-inappropriate off-brand black Barbie doll, which Casey subsequently animates via the use of black magic. Tyra Banks portrays the non-Barbie Barbie doll, Eve.
Relevant Clip: Be a Star sing-along.
2004 – Mean Girls
Lindsay's role as outcast-turned-queen bee Cady Heron in the most oft-quoted artistic work of this or any age, Mean Girls, earned her a lifetime "free pass" for any wrong-doing in the eyes of many of her peers. You go Glen Coco!
Relevant Clip: Jingle Bell Rock.
2006 – Just My Luck
In this film, Lohan plays a girl named Ashley who is lucky and then becomes unlucky. Her performance earned her a nomination for Teen Choice Award for Choice Hissy Fit. She lost out to Keira Knightley in a scene from the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie.
Relevant Clip: Trailer.
2006 – Bobby
Lohan plays a young woman whose life is affected by the assassination of Conor Kennedy's grandfather. This film, like so many of Lohan's attempts at gravitas, received mixed reviews.
Relevant Clip: Lindsay Lohan signs autographs and tells people she is 57% Italian at the Bobby premiere.
2009 – Labor Pains
According to Wikipedia, Labor Pains received "better-than-average" prime-time ratings for ABC Family when it premiered on the channel (rather than in theaters, as originally intended) in 2009.
Relevant Clip: About.com Parenting explains "labor pains."
2012 – Liz and Dick
Lindsay Lohan's new "comeback" vehicle is the Lifetime original movie Liz and Dick in which she plays herself dressed up as Elizabeth Taylor. She was banished from the Chateau Marmont shortly after filming wrapped for unpaid bills. Liz and Dick has not yet premiered.
Where do your loyalties lie?
If you are a pot enthusiast, tomboy, guy who describes girls as "too high-maintenance," slapstick comedian, Drake Bell, Hilary Duff, or the proud owner of a Rugrats-themed tattoo, you are a Demanda.
If you are a gay man, red head, trainwreck, socialite (from whom Lindsay Lohan has not stolen), popular to middlingly popular teen, fire sign, coroner, member of Dakota Lohan's lacrosse team, or person from Long Island, you are a: Liloyalist.
If you are a pedestrian, you are: in favor of their incarceration, post-haste.
[Photo by Jim Cooke/Images via Getty]