A drunk, high, fool of a lady has been sentenced to 122 days in pirate prison (aka regular prison), after stealing a boat and demonstrating to everyone just how dangerous, unstable, and incompetent Captain Jack Sparrow would be if he existed real life.
The Sun reports that Alison Whelan, 51, has been found guilty of a good time by ingesting "poisonous hallucinogenic plants" and also "aggravated vehicle-taking," following an incident last year in which she attempted to very slowly, and at great cost to other vessels, steal a passenger ferry.
As Whelan's boat drifted through the English waters toward her stated destination of "St. Tropez," witnesses heard her cry "I'm Jack Sparrow!" and "I'm a pirate!" into the great black night.
But simply declaring you're Captain Jack Sparrow, mate, does not mean you are Captain Jack Sparrow; there is a certain aura which much be conjured to make the transformation complete. An aura that smells of booze and dreadlocking wax, as well as other heady substances unknown.
To get themselves psyched up for their novice foray into buccaneering, Whelan and her first mate, Tristam Locke, got drunk off pear wine and snacked on deadly nightshade. Then they climbed aboard.
With the boat still moored to the dock, a hallucinating Whelan called paramedics and told them she believed she was having a seizure. Ambulance technicans who responded to the call noted that Whelan was "rambling" (though not, apparently, seizing), then retreated to their vehicle to wait for police after Locke started to beat them.
Before police could arrive on the scene, Whelan had loosed the double decker boat from its hitches (she says accidentally, by tripping over the ropes; the court says intentionally) and settled back as it began to drift away (into other boats, bopping around "like a pinball machine" according to one witness).
Lifeboat crews and police gave chase, attempting to intercept the vehicle out on the water.
Whelan taunted them by yelling "I believe this is out of your jurisdiction," which, to her credit, is an extremely Jack Sparrow thing to say – props for never breaking character.
The ferry slowed to a stop an hour later, about a mile upstream.
Turns out the waterway was not out of the police's jurisdiction, because Whelan was arrested.
The Sun // Image via Disney/AP