Blake Lively's Wedding: A Personal Response

Like it has so many of you, Blake Lively's wedding to Canada's sweetheart Guy That Canada Wrought Ryan Reynolds has affected me personally in innumerable ways.

In case you have not looked at a supermarket magazine cover in the past few weeks, Lisa Whelchel from The Facts of Life got divorced, and Lively and Reynolds were married on Sunday September 9th in a ceremony that was so perfect, so comically perfect, it blusters out beyond the borders of comedy, right into tragedy, paradoxically making this flawless wedding one of the saddest and best things ever.

It's like Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are playing a couple more famous than they in a movie about movie stars that will garner mixed reviews.

The two were wed atop a pile of old slave bones at "America's Most Photographed Plantation" Boone Hall, just outside of Charleston, South Carolina. The Notebook was filmed there. Lively and her bridesmaids wore shoes custom designed by Blake's longtime friend Christian Louboutin. Florence Welch of Florence + the Machine provided music. So did Bette Middler. Martha fucking Stewart "did" the décor and the editorial director for Martha Stewart Weddings described the affair as "a truly enchanting celebration." God was going to put a rainbow in the sky for the event, but thought it would look cheap next to the majesty of Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds' wedding, so he just added an extra year to the lives of all the attendees, plus six bonus months for the happy couple.

I have no strong opinion of Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds as a couple, apart from appreciating very much the "Van Wilder"/"Van der Woodsen" symmetry—and yet I find myself unable to stop talking/texting/gchatting about their wedding.

Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds' wedding is the most interesting thing they've ever done.
Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds' wedding is the most important thing that has ever happened to me.

The most striking thing about Blake Lively's wedding to Ryan Reynolds is its curious longevity. Not the longevity of the marriage itself, which may prove fleeting (Reynolds dated Alanis Morrissette for two years before becoming engaged for another three, and his three-year marriage to Scarlett Johansson ended just last year); the longevity of the story of the wedding. I first heard about the event late on the Sunday night it happened, and have heard about it every day since then.

Details about the wedding are being released in a slow, constant morphine drip, at a pace which ensures there is always news about the wedding, even though the wedding itself has long ceased to be news.

The event was shrouded in a cloud of secrecy thicker than the one that surrounds the early planning stages of a coup d'état—Florence Welch reportedly wasn't even allowed to bring her phone to the wedding, and pictures were forbidden.

On September 8th, this would have surprised me: Does anyone really care that Blake Lively and Ryan Whonolds are getting married?

On September 21st, it only enrages: BLAKE, I AM DYING TO SEE A PICTURE OF YOUR MARCHESA WEDDING DRESS, TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR MARCHESA WEDDING DRESS, BLAKE.

(Martha Stewart Weddings has announced it will feature some images in its December issue, which could explain the secrecy.)

The wattage of starpower lighting up the wedding's rather small (70 person) guestlist? Unreal. How are Blake Lively, 25, and Ryan Reynolds, 35, best friends with so many goddamn grand dame stars?

Bette Midler, who initially denied reports she had attended the wedding (WHY?!?!?!?!!!), later admitted she not only went, she "brought down the 18th cent. house" with a performance of I Loves You, Porgy while there. Martha Stewart told E! News she and the couple "hang out" and described the "very gorgeous bride" [emphasis in original] as a "groovy cook" who once invited her over "for an ice cream soda party."

Blake Lively invited Martha Stewart to an ice cream soda party.

Bake Lively and Ryan Reynolds met on the set of The Green Lantern, a movie that was filmed and then released to the public in 2011.

Blake Lively has never ever been on a date.

Image via Getty