Old Man Romney Could Probably Beat Your Ass in a Foot Race, Physical ShowsS

It took a few months, but the whole world now knows that Mitt Romney is just awful at running for president. One thing he's good at, however, besides accumulating ungodly sums of money, is staying in shape.

The Romney-Ryan campaign released its candidates' physicals today, and it turns out that the 65-year-old Romney has a resting heart rate of 40 beats per minute, almost 20 BPM lower than Paul "P90X" Ryan, whose heart rate was 59 BPM. For context, at his peak, Lance Armstrong's resting heart rate was 32 BPM, and the average American man's is 70 BPM. In Romney's doctor's words, "he is an energetic, strong, physically fit male."

To the "scientists," Romney's tremendous heart and low blood pressure can be attributed to his total abstinence from alcohol and tobacco and his "regular running." But might it also help that he is so rich he can buy peace of mind in almost any difficult predicament with which he's faced? It can't hurt. (He probably won't be able to buy the presidency, though.)

[Image via AP]