The Best Parts of the Insane Leonardo DiCaprio Conspiracy Letter That's Been Making the Rounds in HollywoodS

From crime to AIDS to the debt, America is facing a lot of problems. But there's a simple solution, according to this letter: cast this woman in a movie with Leonardo DiCaprio. Not only will "less [sic] children... be harmed by confused followers of Leonardo DiCaprio," but Los Angeles might get the Olympics again.

"This was sent to the head of [a major studio] here in LA," a tipster told us, passing along the multiply-fowarded email and attached PDF. "It's a masterpiece and I think we need to start a... movement and get her in a film so that the children stop dying, etc." We agree. Below, some highlights, and the whole letter (plus attachments!).

The Header: "Winner!"

The Best Parts of the Insane Leonardo DiCaprio Conspiracy Letter That's Been Making the Rounds in Hollywood

"If Leo had been cast with me, THOSE KIDS WOULD STILL BE ALIVE"

The Best Parts of the Insane Leonardo DiCaprio Conspiracy Letter That's Been Making the Rounds in Hollywood

"If we ever want to have the Olympic ceremonies in Los Angeles, we need to star oppressing the evil British prostitues or actors[.]"

The Best Parts of the Insane Leonardo DiCaprio Conspiracy Letter That's Been Making the Rounds in Hollywood

The Leo Girlfriend Dossier

The Best Parts of the Insane Leonardo DiCaprio Conspiracy Letter That's Been Making the Rounds in Hollywood

"IT IS NEVER CLASSY TO OUTSOURCE JOBS TO BRITISH OR FRENCH PROSTITUTES WHO CANNOT DO MONOLOGUES AND WHO HAVE NO STATE CREDENTIALS"

The Best Parts of the Insane Leonardo DiCaprio Conspiracy Letter That's Been Making the Rounds in Hollywood

The Best Actress Award

The Best Parts of the Insane Leonardo DiCaprio Conspiracy Letter That's Been Making the Rounds in Hollywood

"I think evil British prostitutes have been taking advantage of Leonardo's lack of education for too long[.]"

The Best Parts of the Insane Leonardo DiCaprio Conspiracy Letter That's Been Making the Rounds in Hollywood

This country needs my identity to be seen in the blockbuster movies!"

The Best Parts of the Insane Leonardo DiCaprio Conspiracy Letter That's Been Making the Rounds in Hollywood

The Results of Casting Leo

The Best Parts of the Insane Leonardo DiCaprio Conspiracy Letter That's Been Making the Rounds in Hollywood

The Full Letter