The new Brooklyn Nets' Brooklynettes cheerleader uniforms were revealed this week, and they are bad. They are bad in ways you would expect, like a cropped warm up jacket. They are bad in surprising new ways, like "painted sequin leggings." Because they are complicated, multi-piece ensembles, they are bad in many ways. Because they mostly consist of pieces of fabric bearing the word BROOKLYN in capital letters, they are bad in ways that seem Brooklyn-specific, but are, in fact, universal.
The above image, posted on the official Brooklynettes Facebook page, is of a now-defunct Croatian pop group called Saves9 who opened for M2M on three dates of their European tour in the spring of 2000. Just kidding! Those are the Brooklynettes. The four outfits represent only a taste of the squad's horrific ensemble (not pictured: "a neoprene scuba blazer with sequin leggings, a little cropped warm-up jacket, and painted sequin leggings"). However, because the only way to get over a nightmare is to confront it head on, let's steel ourselves for a quick analysis.
Outfit 1: The Blehhh
Oh God What Am I Seeing: The bikini top and booty short sections of the outfit are fashioned out of a material the New York Post ambitiously refers to as "stretch leatherette," prized for its ability to resemble melted garbage bags. The center white panel is not a piece of fabric at all, but rather a printout of the Brooklyn Nets basketball logo on white printer paper, that the cheerleaders must hold up to their torso whenever stomach is visible.
Corresponding Brooklyn Neighborhood: Brighton Beach.
Power Accents: Black and white sweat band placed mid-forearm to catch all the mid-forearm sweat; tiny letter "B" enclosed within a white circle on the front of the bootyshorts; scalloped edges on the halter top draw attention away from the breasts, to the flattering outer armpit area.
Outfit 2: The Sexy Beetlejuice
Oh God What Am I Seeing: Here we have a lot of spandex and very few answers. Originally, the stripes that decorate this jumpsuit were intended to run vertically, which is slimming, rather than horizontally, which is the opposite. Unfortunately, the sewing pattern got turned sideways while making the first uniform. Luckily, the seamstress realized the error before the garment was finished, leaving enough time to salvage one leg. To add a feminine softness to this sausage-casing prisoner pantuit, a small black corset was then placed over the approximate waist area. Black fabric straps were added to the corset, because there were black fabric straps on hand, so.
Corresponding Brooklyn Neighborhood: Williamsburg.
Power Accents: Spiked back booties to scare off any crawling Park Slope-bred babies named Willow or Aidan who might attack from the rear; black and silver wrist cuffs purchased wholesale from Hot Topic.
Outfit 3: Destiny's Miscarriage
Oh God What Am I Seeing: A short, black dress reading BRO[OOB]KLYN across the chest, this outfit most closely resembles the traditional cheerleader's uniform. It is also positively demure compared to the other outfits — the kind of thing they'd stick the fattest Pussycat Doll in but, if you saw your son or daughter leaving the house in it, you'd demand they march upstairs and put on a sweater or a pair of pants or at least a quirky fascinator. When paired with the knee-high leatherish boots (that, take note, read BROOKLYN on the side in white letters because these boots were made out of recycled BROOKLYN), the overall effect is very early Destiny's Child. (This would have been Kelly's outfit. Beyoncé's dress would have been more elaborate, and Michelle would have been wearing shorts or left at home by accident.)
Corresponding Brooklyn Neighborhood: Brooklyn Heights.
Power Accents: Studded fingerless glove (singular), zip-up front.
Outfit 4: The Underpants
Oh God What Am I Seeing: This outfit is perfect for when you are wearing only underpants and want to leave the house (and are in Brooklyn); simply walk out of the house wearing underwear and, there, you've done it. An unzipped, short-sleeved cropped jacket can be added to create the perfect first date ensemble.
Corresponding Brooklyn Neighborhood: New Jersey.
Power Accents: jacket-front sequins, flash of buttock.
In case you were wondering what kind of person would do such a thing to Brooklyn, the answer, reports the Post, is David Dalrymple. Dalrymple designed the nude-sequined bodysuit Britney Spears wore to the 2000 VMAs and travels back to that decade via time machine frequently for design inspiration.
When asked why he did it, Dalrymple explained:
"This isn't palm trees and sunshine. It's New York City, and it's Brooklyn. It's a different sensibility. We go hard."