Everybacon Calm Down: We're Not Going to Run Out of Bacon

After British reports of upcoming bacon shortages last month led people whose whole identity is defined by the fact that they enjoy bacon and even sometimes consume it in unexpected ways -like chopped into tiny pieces and inserted into a chocolate bar- to begin selling off choice plots in the family cemetery lot in exchange for packages of frozen hog hash, American agricultural economists have stepped forward to soothe us all.

"The idea that there'll be widespread shortages, that we'll run out of pork, that's really overblown." – John Anderson, American Farm Bureau economist

According to experts cited by the Associated Press, it is true that the price of bacon is expected to rise in 2013 – perhaps by as much as 10 percent, meaning a pound of bacon that previously retailed for $4.05 (the national average, as of last Friday), will now cost $4,054.05

But get this: the very drought that wrought an end to our halcyon bacyon days (by driving up the price of corn and, consequently, the price of raising pigs) will also preemptively reward us with "a temporary glut" of bacon.

Rather than absorbing the higher feed costs and shelling out for all the fancy "food" their pigs have grown so accustomed to "eating," the AP reports that many American breeders have chosen simply to downsize their stock by sending extra animals to the slaughter. Like when you don't want to pay a delivery charge to have your food brought to you, so you kill yourself.

According to one National Pork Board consultant, 3 percent of America's breeding pigs could be sent to slaughter by next March; a "big move."

What this bloodfest translates to for consumers is bacon everywhere in everything for everyone all the time. You peel open a banana, there's just bacon in there. You ask for a cheeseburger, and the waiter brings you six slices of bacon placed between two more pieces of bacon. You go to turn on your car's ignition and the key just breaks off in your hand because it is made of bacon. Your whole car is made of bacon. You look to your girlfriend for help and she is just a piece of bacon, but that's nothing new, you started dating a piece of bacon to be quirky.

Following the bacon bacchanal, the price of pork will go up, a little bit. But you'll still be able to find plenty of it on the shelves.

And if you're too cheap to shell out for bacon after the price hike, there's always Beggin' Strips, which many dogs claim taste just like bacon.

(AP // Image via Getty)