Union-busting soul destroyer Target, the Wal-Mart of the aspirational set, is in a period of existential peril. The company must find a way to defeat Amazon's online retail empire. The company's big plan (really): a training program, just rolled out, to teach its employees how to be AMAZING.

If you're not really AMAZING material yourself, you can enjoy these clips from Target training videos without being forced to actually hold a job at Target.

A source at Target leaked several of the company's training videos to us; to save you the cruel fate of being subjected to all of them, we've pulled a few key clips. In the first one, above, you learn that, as a Target employee, you must be saying the words "Can I help you find something?" at all times, or you will be killed.


Target has scientifically determined what "ethnic" people want.


How to avoid being raped or robbed in the notoriously dangerous Target parking area.


Here is how NOT to sexually harass a dude at work, even if he has great "ass-ets," wink wink.


Now just watch the "unions are awful" video, and you'll be qualified to work at Target. Congratulations.