Reasons Why You Cannot Be a BridesmaidS

This morning a tipster forwarded us an email from a future bride laying out some ground rules for her prospective bridesmaids.

In keeping with epic tradition (the wedding, she promises, will be "epic") she does everything short of requiring them to sign a blood oath of fealty.

If you, knave, find yourself guilty of any of the following treasons, you are not fit to call yourself a Maiden of the Bride:

1. You fuck up CC's, by CC-ing either too many or not enough people.

Understand that, as a bridesmaid, you have a highly visible role in the wedding, which means that the whole guestlist will be BCC'd on any mistakes you make. (You also have "a big roll," that is showing through your satin aubergine bridesmaid's dress. Why didn't you take care of that? I knew you weren't cut out to be a bridesmaid.)

You all have a big roll in this wedding, so before we continue I'm going to be setting some ground rules and its very important you read and think about everything through before you accept this honor to be a bridesmaid. If you guys email anything I would also like you to put L— in the CC. Not all the bridesmaid need to be CC'd unless its coming from me or L—, if it something everyone needs to see then well do it. We set the date to August 31, 2013 if that's a problem we need to know NOW. Also by the end of the week we will be setting dates for the engagement party, bridal show and bachelorette party.

2. You are unable, for any reason, to attend one of the wedding-related events.

When it comes to brideslaves, this bride has "10 not 8 where two couldn't make it" (?) so, even though you are one of the most important people in her life and she truly values your friendship above all others, you need to let her know like NOWNOWNOW if you can't come because she's got a long list of people she could swap in in your place, okay? You can still come, but you can't be in pictures or address anyone in the wedding party as a familiar.

Our wedding party is really the most important people at the wedding besides my self and Jake so we want every single one of our bridesmaid and grooms at our parties, I have 10 not 8 where two couldn't make it so if you already know you cant make one of the parties then we have to find someone else, not to be harsh in the slightest it would sadden me and of course you'll still be invited to our wedding, engagement ect. But it's different if your not in the wedding party and couldn't make it. We'll give everyone well advance dates for the parties and it will always fall on a weekend. The wedding as I stated will be in Vail the engagement party will either be in NY or CT and the bachelorette party will be in Vegas, cliche yeaa but I've never been.

3. You surprise the bride outside of the strictly observed Week of Surprises.

A few girls live out of town so if there is going to be a problem with coming to either one then I need to know now because after this week I don't want to be surprised.

4. You find yourself unexpectedly busy at any point between the dates of February 1st and August 31st 2013.

What you do after August 31st is your business. From January 31 heading backwards through time all the way to your childhood, you are free to do as you please. The bride does not care. By agreeing to be a bridesmaid, however, you commit yourself, before God and Gaia and family and friends, to attend every single event including the Vegas bachelorette party even though the bride knows you think it's a cliché, you fucking bitch.

I would like everyone to send me any dates they are going away or planning to go away after February so if your going away in January I don't care. I want any dates from February to the day of our wedding in August, that way we know not to plan something when your away. But after this week the dates are set in stone.

5. You are poor.

We're getting married here. We do not have time for you to eat up everyone's time with your endless, time-consuming poverty. I'm sorry.

Also if money is tight and you cant afford to contribute to say the bachelorette party or wont be able to afford a dress etc then L— and Myself don't have time to deal with that, I'm sorry.

6. Seriously, you cannot be poor.

If your idea of an airplane is a Bolt Bus…if you think you can go to Forever 21 and buy two tube tops and wear one as a shirt, one as a skirt and have that be your dress, then your [sic] going to the WRONG WEDDING.

This includes flights as well, everyone knows the states where the parties are going to be held so if you wont be able to afford a flight then that means you cant make a party which ultimately means I cant have you as a bridesmaid. Obviously we'll get the best deals and were not gonna books flights for $1000 and shit that's why were doing this in advance, that goes for bridesmaids dresses as well everything will be affordable but if you think by affordable its going to be a $25 forever 21 dress then your going to the wrong wedding.

7. You take 2-3 days, God forbid a week, to respond to a wedding-related item from the bride.

What the fuck are you so busy doing? The bride already knows the answer is "nothing" because you emailed her a detailed agenda listing all of your 2013 plans last October, and March 9th is blank. Seeeee ya!

If your out of state though don't think you have to fly in for all fittings, that we will work with you, find stores in your town, get measurements..you don't have to worry about that. Also if you accept this honor another thing is that you need to be available, I'm not going to harass you with wedding stuff every hour of everyday but if its something important and it takes you a week even 2-3 days to get back to me seeeee ya!

8. You don't pick up your phone even though the bride knows you have your phone on you.

(She placed a small tracking device on your phone at one of the earliest mandatory wedding events.)

I don't have time to wait around for responses, everyone has their phone on them, it shouldn't take you more than a day to get back to me

9. You go out of the country (on an international trip that has been expressly cleared with the bride) and then fail to check your email.

Just check your email. Check your fucking email. Check your email check your email check your email. Don't pretend they don't have email where you are, because that travel request would have been denied ages ago by the bride.

even if your out of the country, check your email!

10. You can attend all the parties except one (please see Reason #2).

Furthermore, Ever since I could remember I have dreamed about this day all my life. I want to share it with the people that are most important to me. You only get one time to plan your dream wedding and I couldn't pick a more amazing group of girls to make that dream come true! So please, what's stated above think about it all and by Wednesday I need to know if everyone is 100% in, and what I have asked about sending me dates if your gonna be away between Feb-Aug ill need that on Wednesday. If you don't think you'll be able to attend one party but can make the rest of them I'm sorry but I'll have to take you out as a bridesmaid and put you as a guest.

There you have it. If you are poor, have plans that one weekend next July, or can't tell the difference between a "reply-all" and a "CC," the bride asks that you let her know by Wednesday.

However, she is flexible:

If you want to get back to me before Wednesday, that's fine.

Enjoy your epic journey!

Really think about everything I've said. This is really going to be the most epic wedding ever so I hope you girls can share this special day with us!

For your reference, the entire email, pasted below:

To m lovely Bridesmaid: [Names removed to protect the brideslaves]

As you all know I picked 10 wonderful ladies to stand by my side, share and make happen my special day to Jake. Each of you individually have a reason and a special place in my heart of why I picked you to be a bridesmaid. We have set our date for Saturday, August 31, 2013 in Vail, Colorado. That seems far away but it really isn't, the earlier the planning the better. You may have already knew that my wonderful sister L— will be the Maid of Honor, she's in charge under me. Also my lovely mom will be a big help as well. L— has a big role in throwing me a bridal shower and bachelorette party, of course all of you guys do but at the end of the day shes the go to person and makes it happen.

You all have a big roll in this wedding, so before we continue I'm going to be setting some ground rules and its very important you read and think about everything through before you accept this honor to be a bridesmaid. If you guys email anything I would also like you to put L— in the CC. Not all the bridesmaid need to be CC'd unless its coming from me or L—, if it something everyone needs to see then well do it. We set the date to August 31, 2013 if that's a problem we need to know NOW. Also by the end of the week we will be setting dates for the engagement party, bridal show and bachelorette party.

Our wedding party is really the most important people at the wedding besides my self and Jake so we want every single one of our bridesmaid and grooms at our parties, I have 10 not 8 where two couldn't make it so if you already know you cant make one of the parties then we have to find someone else, not to be harsh in the slightest it would sadden me and of course you'll still be invited to our wedding, engagement ect. But it's different if your not in the wedding party and couldn't make it. We'll give everyone well advance dates for the parties and it will always fall on a weekend. The wedding as I stated will be in Vail the engagement party will either be in NY or CT and the bachelorette party will be in Vegas, cliche yeaa but I've never been.

A few girls live out of town so if there is going to be a problem with coming to either one then I need to know now because after this week I don't want to be surprised. I would like everyone to send me any dates they are going away or planning to go away after February so if your going away in January I don't care. I want any dates from February to the day of our wedding in August, that way we know not to plan something when your away. But after this week the dates are set in stone. Also if money is tight and you cant afford to contribute to say the bachelorette party or wont be able to afford a dress etc then L— and Myself don't have time to deal with that, I'm sorry. This includes flights as well, everyone knows the states where the parties are going to be held so if you wont be able to afford a flight then that means you cant make a party which ultimately means I cant have you as a bridesmaid. Obviously we'll get the best deals and were not gonna books flights for $1000 and shit that's why were doing this in advance, that goes for bridesmaids dresses as well everything will be affordable but if you think by affordable its going to be a $25 forever 21 dress then your going to the wrong wedding.

If your out of state though don't think you have to fly in for all fittings, that we will work with you, find stores in your town, get measurements..you don't have to worry about that. Also if you accept this honor another thing is that you need to be available, I'm not going to harass you with wedding stuff every hour of everyday but if its something important and it takes you a week even 2-3 days to get back to me seeeee ya! I don't have time to wait around for responses, everyone has their phone on them, it shouldn't take you more than a day to get back to me, even if your out of the country, check your email!

Furthermore, Ever since I could remember I have dreamed about this day all my life. I want to share it with the people that are most important to me. You only get one time to plan your dream wedding and I couldn't pick a more amazing group of girls to make that dream come true! So please, what's stated above think about it all and by Wednesday I need to know if everyone is 100% in, and what I have asked about sending me dates if your gonna be away between Feb-Aug ill need that on Wednesday. If you don't think you'll be able to attend one party but can make the rest of them I'm sorry but I'll have to take you out as a bridesmaid and put you as a guest. If you want to get back to me before Wednesday, that's fine. Really think about everything I've said. This is really going to be the most epic wedding ever so I hope you girls can share this special day with us!

Love,