Saved by the Bell star Lark Voorhies, who popped up in a Yahoo! interview earlier this year with an insane approach to cosmetics, is fighting with her mother about her mental state and they're using People as their battlefield.
Mama Voorhies says her daughter is bipolar; Lisa Turtle says her mother is "over-loving." People says the 38-year-old former child star "would frequently stop mid-sentence and stare off, often mumbling to herself or to others who weren't there" during a recent interview; Lark says, "I have a strong spiritual sense," she says. "You caught me in moments of pray [sic]." So go ahead and pick a side. It shouldn't be hard.
The People item also mentions Voorhies' current activities: "working on low-budget indie productions, recording music and self-publishing her own books."
Two of those books are available via Amazon's Kindle Store: 2010's Reciprocity and 2011's True Light: A, superior, take, unto, the, premier, haloing, of, tenuation. Readily, available, True Light, provides, resource, into, time's, motifed, and, vestuved, authenticate, revelation. Her other book from last year, Trek of the Cheshire, is not, but its physical listing contains this description of its author:
Lark Voorhies, styles, a, wondrous, realm, A mystical liberation of enlisting proportions. Lark Voorhies, spans to, reengineer the Abominable, American, Woman! Reinstalling, the faith, into, the, known, variable, Lark Voorhies, gloriously, resurrects, the victored, Phoenix, compelled, and, complete, unto, awaited, timelines, there, unthwarted. A, Masterful, carousel, on, tow, to, consider, Trek of the Cheshire, convincingly, entails, the, rite, of, way, unto, pedistaled, titlement, aborn, the, fremounted, vestule, presumed. A, brilliant, luminere, Trek of the Cheshire, gains, quantum-found, enrolls, unto, aprailient, casters, therefore, mound, pretor. The, mystical, theme, premiers, the, feminine, articulation, to a, modern-day, pristine! Scales, and, acquaintentides, above, all, prominent, measure. Trek of the Cheshire, toasts, call, and, wrail, as, akeen, figures, post, promenade, in, one, of, the, most, prominently, azure, productions, to, grace, page, within, the, told, bolarity, this, era. A, winsome, carry-all, Trek of the Cheshire, coasts, supreme. Boldened, amongst, the, attributate, and, atokened, writes, this, side, of, the, windmiracle, Dixie, Cheshire, promises, conclusive, frank, insight, unto, the, homo-gendered, expressions, of, today. Will, delight, apleeting, and, afortuitous, senses, alike. Boasting, pleasure, on, soar, Lark Voorhies, turns, in, a, hornfest, of, time-aquilled, recordings, sure, to, administer, the, blunt, end, of, current, and, power-packed, face-offs, afforded, the, novel, to, average, mightful, seeker. Trek of the Cheshire, preempts, post-phasal, ruptures, guaranteed, to, raise, the, crest, of, treasured, scailings, to, a, high-probed, notch!
It's not just a hornfest; it's a hornfest with commas. In fact, it's more a commafest than a hornfest. I know that and I haven't even read it. Voorhies loves the punctuation mark. True Light radiates with them. The three-page intro contains barely a word that isn't separated by commas. Here is its opening, all [sic] everything:
For, ages, we have learned, to, search, for, the, truth, about, life. The, truth, in, regard, to, the, opolous, insight. Facts, ascertaned, according, to, the, willing, advance, of, theme, and, time. Fames, tolled, apart, from, steads. Standards, partrolled, in, union, with, the, ever, held, age, perfection, within, the, stales, of, solution. New, boarders, of, parental, discovery, taled, to, the, wind, of, true, shelter, and, destine. At, harmony's length, we, trivail, the, chiefs, of, known, ability, to, prevail, the, pronounce, of, hartmanship.
It goes on like this. If a dead white guy wrote it, it would probably be lauded even before it could be pored over. She uses words like "plithany," "ahieght," "windtales," "ritters," "preimphantly" and "ziquester," but unlike Dune, there is no glossary in the back. Just when you think maybe she just decided to fill a book with mock-up layout gibberish, she quotes Genesis. The second chapter ("Created by: Lark Voorhie" reads the top of the page) uses a block quote and then starts relatively coherently:
There are many beginnings in the bible. In this beginning, as you see here, the earth, later known as the lands, the nations, or, the, world, begins within a, formless, darkness, later known as the expanse. In, biblical, language, it is of import, to agree upon the authenticity, of its celestial, authorship, being that, the divine illustrator, himself, is noted to have authored, much, if not all of its inscribings, through the active hand of human standings.
And then the commas start again.
I don't know what this book is about even though Voorhies provides an explanation:
This, is, the, book, of, sight. This, is, the, all, explanatory, form, upon, destiny. This, is, the, book, of, light.
(We're only on Page 5.)
Each of the 10 chapters is titled "Light," except for the first one, which is called "The Light." One of them is a brief list of sentences from various Bible books that include the word "light." The entire book is about the Bible. Here is how it ends (spoiler alert):
Kein, explore, and, ingeel, application, to, apreen, partake, of, lithened, enchantchentry.
The other available book, Reciprocity is a novel that begins with "Two people, mid coitle." The third paragraph opens with, "Pleasure seizure has begun. Well, for Marcus, anyway." It seems kind of normal, if not consciously florid, but then, about 10 percent of the way through, the commas start. But only for a page or two. The book about a trip to Paris and Daddy issues shifts tenses, bungles idioms ("This was the straw that provoked her spirit") and is riddled with typos, but it's relatively clear in its narrative voice. Basically, it's no True Light: A, superior, take, unto, the, premier, haloing, of, tenuation.
That is, until the very end when many paragraphs start with "Enter:". For example:
Enter: Stratovarian. The, Red, Shoe. Day, same. We, see, Dana, waiting, in the, "hallway, of, chance." Ready, for, the dance, of, her, life. She, is, called, forth. She, accepts.
Enter: Smits, Financial. Day, same. We, also, see, the, correlation, with, her, "big, presentation", at work. She's, really, proving, herself.
Enter: House, of, Momfort. Momfort, Hall. Night, same. "I'm, one, of, two." Cheri begins.
Enter: Stratovarian. The, Red, Shoe. We, see, Dana, introduce, herself. She, begins, dancing, with, her, assigned, partner. She, is, absolutely, beautiful.
From there it falls apart. A few pages later:
Instited, upon, magnitude, Antione, accompanies, the, men, to, the, immediate, depart. To, the, wings, they, tear. Wristling, the, warn of; air, adjourned, to, time's palate. The, great, escape, shall, not, miss, his, fmgers. Not, with, the, bellows, so in cue. Antoine, and, his, men, load, on, and, into, the, awaiting, cavalcade. Cheri, the, surprise, doe.
Got it? Another spoiler: The book ends, of course, "happily, ever, after."
[Voorhies photo credit: AP]