Nutella Is Not a Real Breakfast

Residents of America: have you been approached by a friendly-looking man offering you free sweets from the back of a truck? Beware! This is not just any garden variety perv; it is a European perv, trying to corrupt our youth—by convincing them that "Nutella" is an acceptable breakfast item. It is not.

Just because Nutella decides to hop into a faddish "food truck" and tour the country handing out free samples to "promote the product as a great breakfast choice" does not mean that the product is, in fact, a great breakfast choice. First of all, just look at it. It is a big jar full of chocolate. Oh, it's made of hazelnuts? Yeah, one part hazelnut, one thousand parts chocolate. Just look at it. It is clearly the color of chocolate. Hazelnuts are not the same color as chocolate. Don't try to fool us. You can't just grind up a few hazelnuts, toss them in a vat of chocolate, and call it a hazelnut spread. It doesn't work that way, people, here in the real world.

Why not just tell people to eat Reese's peanut butter cups for breakfast because they have peanut butter in them for crying out loud!!!

Second of all Nutella is European. So we are taking breakfast advice from Europe now? I don't think so. Welcome to America, where we invented the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n Fruity™ and the Moons Over My Hammy™. I think we are all set for breakfast, okay? Europe? Do they even eat eggs over there? No, they eat a "croissant," which is stale bread, or a "crepe," which is soggy bread, and then they fill it up with Nutella, which is chocolate, and then they call it "breakfast." We have a name for that already: "dessert."

If we wanted to eat dessert for breakfast we would just eat donuts, which we already do!!!

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Our children need something filling and nutritious, like oatmeal, or a nice omelette. That is exactly why we don't allow our children to pick their own breakfasts. Because they would probably pick something like "melted down chocolate lathered on white bread"—which is exactly what the European Nutella Corporation is trying to sell them. Will you let a foreign chocolate company force-feed junk food to your kids? I don't think so. That is the job of American companies.

Nice try, Nutella. Come back when it's time for dessert. We'll talk.

God bless America.

[Photo: Janine/ Flickr]