Kate Middleton's boobs are many things to many people. To Prince William, they are rounded mounds of subcutaneous adipose tissue, which must be sunblocked on private vacations, so that they do not burn. To Kate Middleton's future children, they are a portable wetbar. To an anonymous Irish paparazzo, they are a new summer home.
To Pippa Middleton, they are a curse.
The New York Daily News reports that Pippa has been forced to turn down interviews with Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah Winfrey, and Anderson Cooper in promotion of her new book, Celebrate, lest she be viewed as using the royal family's scandal to her advantage.
"If Pippa is quizzed about Kate's topless pictures, then whatever answer she gives will generate more news about the matter, and upset Will and Kate."
"Tell me about your sister's boobs growing up," Oprah might say, as Pippa's eyes and boobs filled with tears. "Was that hard?"
According to "marketing experts" cited by the News, Pippa's refusal to laugh politely at Anderson Cooper's jokes in the middle of the afternoon could cost her as much as $600,000 in profits.
A spokeswoman for the book's American publisher, Viking Press, confirmed that low-life layabout do-nothing Pippa never met a thing she didn't not want to do, and is not about to start doing anything now:
"Pippa is not doing anything for us. She is not coming here to do interviews and is not available for anything, unfortunately."
Though you're not about to hear Pippa tell you any of this, Celebrate: A Year of Festivities for Families and Friends is intended to serve as "a comprehensive guide to home entertaining."
Although nowadays they hobnob with the future king of England and his idiot brother, Kate and Pippa Middleton were raised by Dustbowl farmers so poor they couldn't afford to make it past the planning stage of a party, which is how Pippa came to develop so many fantastical party ideas.