Scientists today have discovered a planet in a nearby solar system that is twice the size of planet Earth, made almost entirely out of diamond, and not at all useful to you or me.
Because of its proximity to Earth (40 lightyears, or 230 trillion miles), scientists have been able to study its chemical makeup and surface more closely than they have any other planet of this kind. Cool, right? Would be cooler if we could actually do something with it. The planet, they say, is chemically much different than Earth and is really, really hot—like 3,900 degrees Fahrenheit—rendering it largely untouchable by humans and, therefore, not a viable solution for blood diamonds. (Sorry, Africa).
How long until Future Justin Theroux tries to apprehend this planet for Future Jennifer Aniston's engagement ring anyway? Given that humans will never stop wanting to wear obnoxious jewelry and we account for the invention of both warp speed and time travel, we're still looking at roughly 30 years. Too long, thank you.
The scientists have decided to name this diamond planet "55 Cancri e," which is a stupid fucking name for a planet made almost entirely out of diamonds. Off the top of my head, here are three names that are definitely better than "55 Cancri e": "Orion's Engagement Ring," "That Diamond Planet," or "Giant Shiny Thing in the Sky."