Why Are Your Stupid Kids Getting Injured So Often?

Do you know how many stupid kids under the age of four landed in emergency rooms with "nonfatal, nonintentional injuries" last year? Two and half god damn million of them. That is a lot of nonfatal nonintentional injuries. What are you, the bad parent, doing wrong?

Hey—eyes up here. The number of injuries to these stupid American kids has gone up every year since 2007, and the actual, real, expert hypothesis for this rise is "distracted parents in an age of smartphones," according to the WSJ. Yeah right. You wish you could blame your phone. What can you really do to keep your fragile kids from becoming a statistic?

  • Swaddle your children in styrofoam until age four.
  • Mummify your children preemptively.
  • When looking at your cell phone, lock your child in a small, padded closet.
  • No matter what happens, do not take your child to the emergency room. That's where statistics are formed.
  • Don't have children.
It's Friday.

[Photo: Russ/ Flickr]