Side Effects of Global Warming You’re Not Worried About Enough YetS

New evidence indicates that our recent bouts of Extreme Weather might be caused by global warming, and not by sick BMX tricks as previously thought. And climate change is apparently increasing the amount of ice in Antarctica. Sure, everyone's ("everyone's") concerned about the plight of equatorial island nations in the face of rising sea levels and the annual die-off of the elderly and indigent during the summer heat waves along the Atlantic seaboard. But there are a great many more sinister changes that should be giving us pause. Such as:

  • A lot (a lot) of evil wizards are going to be freed from centuries - possibly millenia - of confinement within their frozen prisons when the icebergs start melting.
  • How many? I don't know, how many icebergs are there?
  • According to the "Best Answer" on Yahoo Answers, "noone can know at any given time hundreds break away from the ross ice sheet in antartica [sic] and the greenland ice sheet and at the same times hundreds get melted away as they enter warmer waters."
  • So: a lot of evil wizards.
  • United for the first time in who knows how long.
  • "No big deal," you think, "maybe they'll be grateful we freed them and won't decide to turn on us."
  • Jesus. You fucking naïf. You clearly have no idea how wizards operate. Best case scenario? They find a way to artificially extend our lives and enslave us in their silent ruby mines for gray, featureless generations. I'm not even going to tell you the worst-case scenario right now. You couldn't handle it.
  • Look, for starters, wizards do not understand the concept of "quid pro quo," so stop trying to think your way out of this.
  • Also: super-evolved, heat-resistant grizzly-polar bear hybrids. You were worried that global warming was going to hurt those sad little polar bears drifting on those shrinking ice floes in those Coca-Cola commercials? You were taken in. They're fine. They're roaming south and forging transspecies bear alliances. They are making plans.
  • You do realize that priority one of these newly thawed evil wizards is going to be "master and ride the hyper-bears," right?
  • All tornadoes will become permanent by 2019.
  • Crows, which are already entirely too big, will probably grow to the size of large dogs. It will be disgusting.
  • Also, there are going to be jellyfish everywhere. Jellyfish are already the least trustworthy creatures that currently draw breath (or "sift oxygen from water" or whatever); they lack the common, honest decency to actively move on a given path, preferring to float sinisterly along whatever direction the sickly pulse of the sea takes them.
  • Sure, it's possible that a few of these wizards will not be evil - or at least they weren't at the beginning of their accidental captivity. But who can say what happens to the mind of a powerful sage left with only his own inscrutable, lonely thoughts for the cold and countless centuries?

[image via AP]