Proving that there is nothing they will not do to ensure the phrase "it gives you wings" is permanently seared along our frontal lobes, energy drink manufacturer Red Bull has captured a man named Felix Baumgartner and imprisoned him in a tiny metal sphere. Reports indicate they plan to drop him to a certain and horrifying death some 120,000 above New Mexico and there's nothing that any of us can do about it. God have mercy.
Update, 2:10 pm: Felix has jumped from the sky-vessel. "The air outside the vessel is nearly a vacuum," an announcer says. "He will have to avoid spinning out of control." In what is either a merciful lie or a cruel jest, the ground crew appears to have convinced Felix that he has been outfitted with an "emergency chute."
Perhaps it is better for him not to know.
Perhaps this sacrifice will keep the Red Bull satisfied for another year, and our crops and our women will be safe from his violent appetites.
Update, 2:18 pm: Felix Baumgartner has survived.