All the hours we've spent losing ourselves in the rich velvet tapestries of premium cable's sexiest historical dramas have guided us to this one moment: Scotland will soon vote whether to declare its independence from the United Kingdom or to remain slaves forever.
The New York Times reports that Scottish first minister Alex Salmond and British Prime Minister David Cameron signed an agreement Monday arranging a vote on Scottish Independence in 2014. The countries have been united for over 300 years.
Scottish authorities preferred the ballot to consist of two questions: one on whether Scotland should seek independence and one on whether the Scottish government should simply be granted greater autonomy. Instead, the ballot will contain one yes or no question regarding independence: Should everyone who doesn't not want Scotland to not be denied independence vote no on this question?
As a compromise, Scottish babies as young as 16—two years below the national voting age—will be allowed to participate in the vote.
While Salmond believes that young people are more likely to vote in favor of independence because they hate rules and love rock and roll, it is believed that under-18 voters will account for approximately 2.5 percent of the eligible electorate, and most of them will probably be too high on a lot of drugs to remember to vote anyway.
Recent polls found that only 37 percent of Scottish voters favor separation from the United Kingdom.
In a weaksauce version of many of Abraham Lincoln's most famous quotations, Prime Minister Cameron declared his intention to preserve the union, slavery or no:
"I want to be the prime minister who keeps the United Kingdom together."
Those against the split argue that Scotland will retain more prosperity and political pull as a member of the United Kingdom than as an independent nation of five million people whom no one can understand. Supporters argue that the profits made from controlling the oil and gas reserves in the North Sea would offset the lack of funds funneled in from the United Kingdom, and that the Scottish have a right to govern themselves.
Salmond's party has two years to convince Scottish people that Scotland is the new Sweden, a tiny sexy country where only good things happen and you can just take a bite of anything you see because literally everything there is made of candy. Should they succeed, the most TV-friendly option would be for the United Kingdom to deny their claim of independence, so that many sexy figures can emerge to manipulate history for personal gain.
Americans will no doubt recall that America declared her independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain in 1776, following a costumed reenactment of several pivotal scenes from HBO's acclaimed miniseries Paul Giamatti starring John Adams.