Chanel No. 5 debuted its much-heralded new commercial starring Brad Pitt on Monday, though it's only a Chanel No. 5 commercial inasmuch as Brad Pitt throws out "Chanel No. 5" toward the end of the spot—a hail Mary pass hurled forth from a bog of nonsensical fortune cookie half-wisdoms.

If you didn't know it was a commercial for Chanel No. 5, you might think it was just a PSA alerting you of Brad Pitt, or perhaps a tourism commercial in the form of a love letter to the universe, designed to lure travelers from alternate universes (a universe where the French Revolution never occurred, a universe where you wore glasses instead of contacts today, a helliverse where Brad ended up with Jen) to ours.

Here is the text of Brad's speech (for accuracy, imagine 40 second pauses every fourth word):


It's not a journey. Every journey ends, but we go on. The world turns and we turn with it. Plans disappear. Dreams take over. But wherever I go, there you are. My luck, my fate, my fortune. Chanel No. 5. Inevitable.

Which moment of the commercial makes you feel the most uncomfortable? Is it the way his eyes dart up, down, and all-around, as he contemplates aloud the Earth's axial rotation, then suddenly swings back to stare right into the camera lens? Is it the way he pronounces "my luck" as "my luckqh"? Is it the very beginning, when he gravels, "It's not a journey" and your eyes reflexively roll back into your head because you can already tell this is going to be that kind of thing? Or is it this commercial for the commercial when he demands to know if you're going somewhere and where you're going?

Brad Pitt was paid $7 million for doing this, by the way.

Chanel No. 5. Inscrutable.