Halloween party season will soon be upon us, which means, more importantly, celebrity Halloween party season will soon be upon us. Now that you've negged your way to the top of the celebrity dog pile, you've probably got more invitations than can fit inside a regulation sized plastic jack-o-lantern candy carrier (so bring a pillowcase, Jesus, plan ahead). Use this guide to plan your party route.
Event: Bette Midler's Hulaween
Guest list: Classy people you have never had extended daydreams about being friends with. Think Al Gore, Martha Stewart, and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Michael Kors will judge the costume contest.
Level of drunkenness: This will be a fun drunk, like if you came home and found your mom drinking wine with all her friends, not a sad drunk like if all the friends were imaginary. There will also be food at this one—$1000-a-plate food (expect things to be rolled in herbs)—so you won't be drinking on an empty stomach. Put a crème puff in your pocket and giggle with former Vice-President Gore in line for the restroom about how you're so bad.
Representative monster: Gorgon. Much like the Gorgons are top shelf terrifying creatures you will never name when listing monsters, so is Bette Midler's Halloween party simultaneously way too famous for you and also something it would never occur to you to think about.
Good Costumes: An Angry Bird, strong female role models rendered in sequins (Amelia Earhart), a garden statue (the party is a benefit Midler's New York Restoration Project, a nonprofit that revitalizes neglected parks)
Bad Costumes: Sexy peanut, Niall from One Direction, Dubstep
Event: Heidi Klum's Halloween Party
Guest list: Sexy. If you're too
old tall to go trick-or-treating, attending to Heidi Klum's Halloween party is pretty much the only other way to have fun on Halloween. Klum famously overachieves at this holiday and is known for putting more effort into her costumes than most people put into their wedding days. All of the Victoria's Secret models go. Every year Bacchus assumes human form for one night so he can attend. Last year Russell Simmons went as his brother Rev. Run from Run-DMC.
Level of drunkenness: Sailor. Models are not known for their love of great feasts so plan to get bombed on an empty stomach. The closest you might come to food is vodka and Diet Coke sipped through a licorice stick.
Representative monster: Frankenstein's. Just as Dr. Frankenstein cannot bring himself to create a female companion for his creature, out of fear their joint wickedness might desolate the world, so does Heidi Klum's Halloween Party exist in a class of its own.
Good Costumes: It does not matter, because Heidi Klum will best you. Unless you are willing to slice off the skin of another and wear that as your costume ("I came as my chauffeur!"), you might as well not even compete. Go as a regular sexy cat and do your best to stay out of Heidi Klum's way because she's probably wearing impractical shoes.
Bad Costumes: Rev. Run from Run-DMC (it's already been done), an Angry Bird, anything related to current events
Event: Kim Kardashian presents: Midori's Green Halloween Party
Guest list: A gamble. It's pretty much guaranteed there will be a small congress of Kardashians in attendance, but the same could be said for thousands of Halloween parties around the country. The real money here is Kanye West. One the one hand, he definitely has better private parties to attend (Heidi Klum's?). At the same time, what better way to show your significant other you're serious than by attending their lame Halloween party sponsored by a mouthwash green melon-flavored liqueur? Keep your fingers crossed that Kim and Kanye get into a big fight the day before her party so that he feels obligated to attend.
Level of drunkenness: Stupid drunk off Midori Liqueur.
Representative monster: Gremlin. The Midori Green Halloween Party Hosted by Kim Kardashian seems harmless at first, but will almost certainly devolve into a terrifying shitshow after midnight. Also you can't spill water on anyone while you're there, water makes Kim's hair frizz.
Good Costumes: Something that obscures your sexual organs, but only barely. If you are a man, consider going as Tarzan or the Oscar statue. If you are a woman, go naked and tell everyone you are a man with full, supple breasts. Fallback costume for either sex: Kanye West
Bad Costumes: Frumpasaurus, ugly can of soda, scruples
Event: Kristin Cavalleri's Bing It On Halloween Costume Challenge at Spirit Halloween
Guest list: Tragic. The coolness of a party is inversely proportional to the length of its name, and this event takes upwards of six minutes to say to completion. It is the Tikki Tikki Tembo-no Sa Rembo-chari Bari Ruchi-pip Peri Pembo of Halloween parties.
Level of drunkenness: Totally smashed. You've no one to impress here.
Representative monster: Off-brand killer toy.
Good Costumes: You'll note that because Kristin Cavalleri was not deemed famous enough to carry the full party by herself, she will instead be judging a Bing-sponsored costume contest. Participants will be asked to assemble costumes in under five minutes, and the winner "will receive his or her Halloween costume personally styled by Kristin and her stylist, Tamara Rappa." (??). Cheat by taking longer than five minutes to assemble your costume.
Bad Costumes: LC, Stephen, Justin Bobby, Brody, Audrina — all bitches!
Happy haunting boos and ghouls.