For what seems like the second time in the last thirteen days, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney will stride on stage tonight and pretend, for a few moments, to not be sickened by one another's presence. Can Obama "recover" from his "poor performance" in the last debate? Can Romney convince "swing voters" that he is "more than a Mormon robot?" The estimable Mobutu Sese Seko and I will be live blogging this debate in order to, uh, help answer these questions, and to perform other vital unspecified pundit services.
The debate begins at 9:00. JOIN US.
(HN): Which television network are YOU watching this television event on??? Discuss in the comment section until the debate starts!
(MSS): I can't say I'm surprised to see Ozzie open with "Mr. Crowley," but dressing up like a large woman seems like a strange choice.
(MSS): Gloria Borger looks like she spends her weekends balling pages of the Homeowners' Association bylaws up in her fists and staring at a neighbor's oversized mailbox and just SHRIEKING SHRIEKING SHRIEKING that THE WORLD is ENDING under a TIDAL WAVE of THIS BULLSHIT.
(HN): If you haven't already started, I recommend against listening to what any pundits on television are saying before or after this debate. Not during, though— the during pundits are best. Keep it right here.
(HN): Leopard print. Let's just stop the discussion of that there.
(MSS): What do you think drives someone to be an undecided voter at this point in any given election?
(MSS): Obama's clearly heeding the recommendations of his debate prep team and refraining from tripping Romney up with a 16-part handshake before dropping Romney's hand and doing that "YOU CAN'T SEE ME" thing while walking back to his stool.
(HN): Romney is in FAVOR of jobs? *Makes check mark on secret presidential ballot*
(MSS): What do you want to bet that the ssssssocialissssst John and Abigail Adams scholarship from the State of Massachusetts was something Mitt Romney had absolutely nothing to do with?
(HN): Let it be said that Obama answered with tangible ideas whereas Romney said "I like jobs." The choice is yours, America.
(MSS): ROMNEY: "Ehheheheheheheheheh, yeah, you bet. VERY NICE, JEREMY, I LIKE. PUNCH AND PIE. YEAH, BABY."
(HN): "Romley," says moderator. Go crazy, Twitter!
(MSS): I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but this Jeremy guy is a real megafucker.
(HN): Romney advocates "Be Like 7-11" plan for all American business.
(HN): As a nonpartisan member of the media I can say that everything Obama says about Romney plundering the poor for profits is true.
(MSS): I liked the part where Romney was like "Tha Detroit, tha Detroit, tha Detroit, tha Detroit answer..." was awesome because it reminded me of 8 Mile.
(HN): In profile, Mitt Romney looks exactly like a bald eagle. Point to Romney.
(HN): Romney favors the legalization of killing "20 or 25 birds."
(HN): Gas prices will go up and up forever, America, it is pure common sense because fossil fuels are a limited resource and any effort to lower prices will be temporary and will probably come with a too-high environmental cost so JUST ACCEPT IT. Fucking assholes.
(MSS): There's something about Romney's face-to-face, heartwarming insincerity that seems incredibly more insincere than his "standing in front of a huge crowd talking in general" insincerity. He's just bringing whole levels of artificial to an already artificial exchange. Like a hooker wearing earbuds and a big yellow rubber kitchen glove while giving a handjob.
(MSS): I'd give anything for these two to just start slapping spastically at each other with enfeebled forearms, like T-Rex's in suits.
(HN): "I will fight for oil, coal, and natural gas," says Romney. Remember that when Romney's great-great-grandchildren are getting fitted for their mandatory gas masks to survive in the ruined Earth's atmosphere.
(MSS): It would be refreshing if anyone involved with this gas conversation said something about commodities futures modernization.
(HN): All the question-askers so far will be executed immediately after the debate for imperfect delivery. Get it right or die. This was made clear before we began, commoners.
(MSS): ROMNEY: "YOU DON'T TELL ME WHEN TO TALK, I TELL YOU WHEN YOU TALK, CANDY. I'LL TELL YOU WHEN TO TALK AND EAT AND SIT OR STAND. GODDAMNIT, I WAS IN LINE. I HAVE DEBATE DIBS, CANDY. HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR DIBS???"
(HN): Obama should just say, "that's hocus-pocus math!" Because that is the type of mathematical statement that Americans can grasp.
(MSS): I have the next question in the debate, and it's for Governor Romney. Governor Romney, have you seen Human Centipede?
(HN): Romney mentions women, all pundits drink.
(MSS): YOU KNOW WHO ELSE HAD AN ECONOMIC FIVE-POINT PLAN, COMRADE ROMNEY?
(HN): This is essentially a rerun of the substance of the first debate, but Obama took his NO-Xplode this time.
(MSS): I wouldn't be surprised if, "You wouldn't have taken such a sketchy deal," turns out to be the signature moment of this debate. Unless of course one or the other starts trumpet blasting mad candidate farts.
(HN): "I know what it takes to balance budgets," says Romney. "Layoffs followed by liquidation."
(HN): Female questioner asks question about women. Pundits drink.
(MSS): I hope Romney balances the budget the way he did in Massachusetts, by it being mandated by state law whether he likes it or not—rather than the way he did it in the Olympics, by having it cost as much as the preceding seven American Olympics combined.
(HN): Romney advocates "binders full of women." "They need to be more flexible," he adds. (Direct quotes.)
(MSS): "I had to put together a cabinet, and they were all men. And I said, how come there are no women? And that's when my advisors said, 'Because their abdomens are the love ovens for the loaves of God's child-bread!'"
(HN): Let's be real: Mitt Romney likes women fine and all but he generally believes that women should stay in their place, which is "being fucked by Mitt Romney." Let's be real.
(MSS): I hope Obama trolls the shit out of Romney by interrupting Candy Crowley before we get on to the next topic, places a sealed envelope to his forehead, then reads the next question verbatim.
(HN): What is the biggest difference between you and Bush? Romney: "I want to slightly increase our percentage of free trade with Latin America." Obama: "I'm black and not a god damn fool."
(MSS): Bain Capital is a small business in the same way that Burger King is a local lunch place.
(HN): Romney accused of not hating Chinese people. "I even think egg rolls are nasty," vows Obama.
(MSS): It took all of one unpleasant exchange for Candy Crowley to begin preemptively apologizing for performing any aspect of her job.
(HN): It would be awesome if they could invent some sort of "moderator" position that would somehow encourage candidates to answer questions honestly and directly and to eschew obfuscation and selective shading of facts. Maybe one day.
(MSS): (Barack Obama is confronted by half a dozen poor children covered in soot.)
OBAMA: "I have just the solution, children! Osama Bin Laden is dead."
(Begins shooting extra bullets into Bin Laden's body.)
OBAMA: "I'M SHOOTING HIM FULL OF FLAVOR, CHILDREN."
(The children begin eating Osama Bin Laden.)
OBAMA: "Yes. Eat! EAT, CHILDREN!"
(HN): Call me crazy, but it seems like getting more people on food stamps during times of economic insecurity is something the government should be proud of???
(MSS): Ronald Reagan oversaw 11 tax hikes, Mitt. You want to pair that up with your running mate's advocacy of Kennedy-esque marginal rates? You sound like a fucking socialist.
(HN): Haha the very sight of Mitt Romney trying to convince Latinos that he will be the best choice to serve their interests is comical. Next, Obama makes his case for the Mormon hedge fund vote!
(HN): The question-asker fuckup rate is holding steady at 100% so far.
(HN): Let's just abolish immigration laws at this point, what a freaking hassle for everyone involved.
(MSS): Lorraine Osorio has a pouty multicultural face and a sassy streetwise tone of voice like Rosie Perez, and I want to get her on Real Housewives and INTO MY LIFE. I LOVE YOU, LORRAINE. I LOVE YOU, BABY. THAT JEREMY GUY IS A HUGE PUSSY.
(HN): Obama could win this thing right now by calling for the arrest of all white Republican Arizonans. We as a nation need to have an "other" to hate, and that's a much more relevant one than "Pakistanis."
(MSS): I'm kind of thrilled in a total nerd sort of way to see the clock ticking down behind Obama and the screen flashing red. I'm learning all the behind-the-scenes secrets! I'm wearing Preparation-H under my eyes to reduce puffiness, a secret I gleaned from the stars.
(HN): Romney MUST ask Obama to make a $10,000 bet now to regain the high ground here.
(MSS): "Mr. President, I can assure you that, like most of Americans, I keep my blind trust in a platinum vault buried underneath a crystal city patrolled by the only ostritches in the world that can fly, because they are fed liquid diamonds dissolved in my wife's breast milk."
(HN): I mean let's be honest, Obama is no more responsible for the tactics of security at individual embassies than Bush was responsible for catching Saddam Hussein. (Obama also does not deserve credit for bin Laden's death!) They have people for that.
(MSS): I yearn to one day hear a politician speak of the need to beef down security. "Our security is up-beefed to the utmost. The beef can't be upped any more. And, as the threats subside, we must begin to beef down."
(HN): Obama says the suggestion that "anybody on my team would play politics or mislead is offensive." Uh. Get offended then dude, you are President of the US, THAT IS WHAT YOUR TEAM DOES.
(MSS): An increasingly desperate Romney insists that he's way better at casket-looking than Obama. "I can look at those caskets. I can look at them way hard." Then he holds up a closed fist. "I will stare at dead bodies so much better than you. In fact, I will make MORE of them to look at."
(HN): "I believe in the Second Amendment," lies Obama. OBAMA IS PLAYING POLITICS AND MISLEADING, GET OFFENDED. (The Second Amendment is crazy.)
(MSS): I can't believe Candy Crowley would interrupt a candidate for the highest office in the land and point out when he was saying something flagrantly untrue. There is no place in the political theater for factual bias.
(HN): Romney favors moms and dads. Approval rating ticks up.
(MSS): Well, you heard is just as well as I did: Mitt Romney believes gun violence is created by families without moms and dads. Single parents? Gay parents? When you're getting shot, you're getting shot by them.
(walks up to guy wielding gun)
Hahaha, I bet your dads are hella gay.
Ahahaha, called it.
(HN): Yo Candy Crowley is doing a good job here in the final third of the debate, okay, fair is fair.
(MSS): Romney is red-eyed and moving like his joints have been filled with epoxy. The easy analogy is to the Terminator, but people like the Terminator.
(HN): America asks question about overseas economic policy, immediately tunes out answer.
(MSS): Mitt Romney is going to eliminate illegal immigration by rearranging the borders of America to be shaped like a gun. Women will be encouraged to stick guns inside themselves to intimidate their uteruses into not being inconveniently fecund. Taxes will be shot with guns, while the gun tax will be repealed. Our children will be taught responsibility by oiling and cleaning guns. The Chinese will not be allowed to have guns, because the whole country is full of triads.
(HN): I wonder if all the people who didn't get to ask questions are sad.
(HN): Obama advocates you getting a better job that pays more. America nods head.
(HN): Last question is FUCKING GARBAGE. "Biggest misconception about you." Who came up with this question... most cable news hosts?
(MSS): Good to see Obama stick up for the left and say he doesn't believe government creates jobs. Thankfully a belief is just a firmly held opinion and not, like, objective reality or anything.
(MSS): Easily the most racially upsetting and weird part of the evening was when Mitt Romney put "black" makeup on his hands and wrists, turned his back to the audience, hugged himself and started rubbing his hands up and down his back while making kissing noises and saying, "Mmmm, ohhh, Mitt, you're so hot, I don't even wanna be president anymore if we can keep doing this" in a really Axel Foley-esque blaxcent, and then OBAMA CAME OUT FROM BACKSTAGE AND CAUGHT HIM DOING IT.
Thank you for joining us, America. Don't forget to vote.