For America's Losers: a Guide to Owning a BlackBerry in 2012S

There's nothing worse than owning a BlackBerry in 2012. At least that's the picture The New York Times painted today with its portrait of grief, "The BlackBerry as Black Sheep." We're not all as fortunate as one of the article's subjects, Nick Mindel, who is now making the upgrade to an iPhone 5. BlackBerry owners need some ground rules if they're going to keep these dreaded things around. This is the BBMB—the BBM bible.

Use Maps

No, not Google's. Use real paper maps. They sell these paper things at gas stations and they have nearly as much GPS capability as your BlackBerry does. Ryan Hutto told the Times that he makes his wife look up stuff for him all of the time. C'mon Ryan, just make her keep a cross-country map in her purse for you to use. It'll be a little less annoying for her. (This tip is also useful for iPhone 5 users with Apple Maps, of course.)

Embrace the Irony

The number one way to beat owning something uncool is to pretend that it's "post-cool." Forced nostalgia is really in right now, and MySpace is about to have a huge comeback. Your BlackBerry puts you in a really good position to say, "remember these?!" Use that a lot.

Pretend That You Like Your Family

Victoria Gossage says in the article, "You're constantly watching people do all these things on their phones and all I have going for me is my family's group BBM chats." This is a perfect opportunity to trick strangers into thinking that you're a nice person. When anyone questions your smartphone ownership, just say, "Oh yeah, this old thing." Then grin sheepishly. "I really hate it, but I just can't break away from my family's BBM group. I'd miss talking to them all day way too much." A single tear is optional here, but could really seal the deal.

Keep Begging

The article says that Goldman Sachs gave the okay to the iPhone, and that Covington & Burling, a major law firm, has recently done the same. This takes complaints! Keep bothering your superiors. Take this up as your issue and start an office revolution. No more phone calls are allowed to be made on a BlackBerry. The revolution starts now and it begins with you being really annoying about the benefits your company gives you.

Buy an iPhone Case and Just Awkwardly Shove It in There

It's worth a try, right?

[image via AP]