Here at Gawker.com, an influential Tennessee politics blog, we don't often endorse candidates. According to many medical studies, politicians are queer in the head and full of bile, and as longtime readers know, we do not consider the U.S. government legitimate since it abandoned the gold standard and put all whites up for collateral against foreign debt in 1933. (See our previous article, "Six Great Tips for Hiding the IRS Agent's Body.")
But every once in a while, a different kind of candidate emerges. A candidate who we can be proud of. A candidate who represents our interests. A candidate who will be tough on the issues, like the North American Union and the Chinese Google conspiracy. A candidate who will step up to the Transportation Security Administration when it "mandates [transsexuals] and homosexuals grabbing children in their stranger-danger zones."
Readers, Mark Clayton, Tennessee's Democratic candidate for Senate, is that man.
If you're some kind of university professor or seditious journalist, like the Washington Post's David Fahrenthold, you might put your faith in corrupt and ungodly "numbers," which the Bible teaches us are the domain of wizards and females. He's only raised $278! (As though fiat currency is anything but a Antichrist plot!) He's only got one yard sign! (It's sitting in his truck.) He only has 46 Twitter followers and 388 Facebook likes! He doesn't have a campaign staff!
What does Clayton say to that?
"Jesus did not have a campaign staff. And he had the most successful campaign in human history," Clayton said recently, when asked if all this adds up to a winning run against incumbent Sen. Bob Corker (R). Jesus "didn't even have pictures or a Web site."
And guess who does have pictures, and a website? Mark Clayton, that's who. He's also got what it takes to win. Two months ago, he beat Park Overall — "best known for playing the sassy nurse Laverne on the 1990s sitcom Empty Nest" — and Gary Gene Davis — "a Chattanooga man who spent less than $100" — in a primary to win the Tennessee Democratic Party's nomination for Senate, spending only $65 total and using the clever guerrilla strategy of "having a last name that starts with 'C' on an alphabetical ballot."
But he's more than just a winner. He knows how to deal with the left-wing press:
"I don't know why you're here," he [told Fahrenthold], having reached the porch. "I don't come to your house."
And most importantly, he's right on the issues:
- Opposes forced Boy Scout homosexuality: "Lobbied Congress to protect Boy Scouts from homosexuals"
- Opposes the North American Union: "The Clayton for Senate campaign condemns the outrageous anti-American meetings aimed at the complete merger of the economies, governments, societies, and militaries of the United States of America, Mexico, and Canada into a single entity which the neo-conservatives and President Bush are calling the "North American Union."
- Opposes "The TSA's mix of ultra-leftist hiring practices," which "mandates transexuals and homosexuals grabbing children in their stranger-danger zones in the name of airport security."
- Opposes same-sex marriage: "The radical homosexual lobby is demanding special rights & thought-control, and it is a fact that many homosexuals use their so-called social advances as a license not for civil rights, but for same-sex harassment and acts of deviant sexuality in public places, including the workplace."
- Pro-life: "[N]eocons trick Americans into voting about abortion"
- "[H]is Web site suggested that... Google was working against him at the behest of the Chinese government."
What more do you need to hear? Vote Mark Clayton for Senate this November.