'Cook Her Over a Low Heat, Keep Her Alive as Long as Possible': Highlights from the Cannibal Cop IMs

Earlier today, it was reported that 28-year-old NYPD officer Gilberto Valle III was arrested and charged with "conspiracy to kidnap, cook, and eat" as many as 100 women.

The FBI's criminal complaint against Valle contains excerpts from instant message conversations allegedly held between Valle and two unnamed co-conspirators, information from dossiers about the women stored on Valle's computer (including bra sizes), and even a blueprint for abducting and cooking a victim, which was saved as a file titled "Abducting and Cooking [The Victim]: A Blueprint."

The portrait that emerges from the records is of a young entrepreneur fully aware of the consequences of his actions, desperate to get his abduction/cannibalization business off the ground, who is fucking crazy.

Here are the fucking craziest bits:

[NOTE: "CC-1" refers to co-conspirator #1. "CC-2" refers to co-conspirator #2.]

A Flawless, Lawless Abduction

CC-1 How big is your oven?

VALLE: Big enough to fit one of these girls if I fold their legs ... The abduction will have to be flawless ... I know all of them ...( Victim-1), I can just show up at her home unannounced. It will not alert her, and I can knock her out, wait until dark and kidnap her right out of her home.

CC-1: You really would be better to grab a stranger. The first thing the police force will do is check out a friend.

VALLE: Her family is out of state.

CC-1: I have anaesthetic gasses.

VALLE: I can make chloroform here.

Gingerbread Witch Tactics

CC-1: It's really hard to dislocate (lock) a jaw. Also, how would we put her over the fire, spitting kills the girls. Have to put her into a kind of cage. What is your favorite cut of meat?

VALLE: I was thinking of tying her body onto some kind of apparatus .. cook her over a low heat, keep her alive as long as possible.

75 Pounds of Tasty Lady

VALLE: I love that she is asleep right now not having the slightest clue of what we have planned. Her days are numbered. I'm glad you're on board. She does look tasty doesn't she?"

CC-1: You do know if we don't waste any of her these is nearly 75 lbs of food there.

A Full-Disclosure Kidnapping Policy

CC-2 And also…about the price…would you do a payment plan or full up front?

VALLE: Full payment due at delivery. Just so that you know she may be knocked out when I get her to you. I don't know how long the solvent I am using will last but I have to knock her out to get her out of her apartment safely.

A Prediction Realized

CC-2: I definitely want her and how much again, I'm sorry to ask but I don't remember.

VALLE: $5,000 and she is all yours.

CC-2: Could we do 4?

VALLE: I am putting my neck on the line here. If something goes wrong somehow, I am in deep shit. $5,000 and you need to make sure that she is not found. She will definitely make the news.

"I Am Aspiring to Be A Professional Kidnapper": Kidnapping Best Practices

VALLE: It is going to be so hard to restrain myself when I knock her out, but I am aspiring to be a professional kidnapper and that's my business. But I will really get off on knocking her out, typing up her hands and bare feet and ggging her. Then she will be stuffed into a large piece of luggage and wheeled out to my van.

CC-2: just make sure she doesn't die before I get her.

VALLE: No need to worry. She will be alive. It's a short drive to you. I think I would rather not get involved in the rape. You paid for her. She is all yours and I don't want to be tempted the next time I abduct a girl.

CC-2: I understand. Also, is there anything I can trade you that might knock down the price a bit.

VALLE: No nothing at all. Like I said this is very risky and will ruin my life if I am caught. I really need the money and I can't take under $5,000 for [Victim-2].

Here's the full document:



[Image via AP]