Massive Dubstep Concert Cancelled Because Teenagers Don't Know How To Drink or Take Drugs

"Dubstep" (or EDM) is generally terrible music beloved by America's teenagers. These children go see their favorite DJs in arenas or at festivals, where they chug liquor out of water bottles and/or take various forms of MDMA and whatever else gross adult drug dealers sell them. The problem is that teenagers don't understand how to take drugs without nearly killing themselves, which means that things like this happen at events like Haunted Coliseum at the Nassau Coliseum.

Around 11:15 p.m., just over an hour after the party had begun, police officials, responding to numerous reports of dangerously intoxicated attendees, shut down the event. Rumors on Twitter described a scene of chaos, including reports of brawls, stabbings, and at least two fatalities, but according to Nassau County Police, the reality was more prosaic.

"Basically what happened was they had numerous [reports of] approximately 100 concertgoers that were intoxicated," said Officer James Imperale. "The concert was cut short; it was supposed to run until about 2 in the morning, but they actually cut it short."

Here is a quick tip for any teenagers who are reading and might be considering taking MDMA at a dubstep show:

  • Stop doing drugs before you feel like you are going to die.

Naturally, the hundreds of vomiting, near-death teenagers weren't even the most embarrassing part of Saturday night's fiasco. During the chaos outside the show — where nearly 40 ambulances were parked — Michael Croissant (you really can't make this stuff up) attempted to land a helicopter for reasons currently unknown to people who aren't massive tools.

Thankfully, those early Twitter reports of fatalities were unfounded. If you would like to read hilariously aggrieved comments from adults angry that their Halloween was essentially cancelled by idiot teenagers, visit the event's Facebook page.

[via SPIN]