Tonight, on television: the season finale of American Politics. After millions of years of campaigning, human president Barack Obama and liquid-metal terminator Mitt Romney will meet on the Sacred Plains for the mythical and deadly Dance of Swords, the traditional choosing ceremony for our people. Who will win their bloody game? Who will retain control the Senate? Will Chris Christie finally attract the attention of his crush Bruce Springsteen? Will top CNN analyst The Will.i.am Hologram seize return to prophesy the birth of a God-Emperor whose reign will surpass a thousand years? Crack election experts "the staff of Gawker.com" will be here to "live-blog" the results as those questions — and more! — are answered. Join us!
We're ensconced in our Gawker Liveblog Headquarters (our living rooms) drinking our Election Fuel (beer) and wearing our Election Uniforms (Coed Naked shirts), chatting in a sophisticated "internet conversation hall" transcripts of which I will be copying-and-pasting here in the post. Please add your thoughts and predictions in the comments.
Caity W.: Wow Georgia Rule on E! starting at 9
John C.: Ladies and gentlemen, your pundit class:
Leah B.: Katie Couric: "You always remember your first time. Voting that is!"
Biting Lena Dunham's style.
John C.: She's certainly forgotten the first time she had sex.
Leah B.: Katie Couric: "Hashtag Vote or die." Keeping it pretty real and hip.
Mobutu S.: I'm watching CNN right now, and, look, I don't want to intrude or make this too weird, but I want to just stop this liveblog right here for a second and send a special hello to the lovely lady Ms. Crowley on CNN. I can't stop watching you, baby. This is for you:
Leah B.: On ABC Josh Elliot taking it to the streets, the Time Square streets, to talk to first time voters. Young girl wearing a headband, voted Romney.
John C.: White vote is lower than expected in Ohio and elsewhere. The GOP is about to start caring about voter suppression.
Caity W.: PBS just aired a commercial for a TRAIN. So glad I got to pick my network last.
Caity W.: Commercials on PBS: Because this $250 ad budget isn't going to spend itself.
Mobutu S.: I bet we're going to get to see Romney psyching himself up backstage to a sick Train playlist.
John C.: Drudge has now completely excised the exit poll data from his site.
Mobutu S.: John King is just pushing numbers and figures to his left, like, "Hey, numbers to the left." Also, all of them are just "4 > 3" and "12 + 4 = 16." He's visibly aroused through his wool trousers.
Leah B.: Illinois, Massachusetts, Maryland, Maine projected to Obama. Oklahoma to Romney.
Caity W.: PBS calls Georgia for Romney. #Georgia Rule
Max R.: So, since the race is really boring right now, let's all choose our favorite "narratives" from the 2012 election.
Max R.: Mine is Chris Christie betraying Romney for Bruce Springsteen's love.
Emma C.: Mine is Men In Power Learning About Rape For The First Time Ever
Caity W.: I have enjoyed Queen Bey's growing inability to hide her all-consuming love of the Obama family.
Caity W.: She probably calls Blue Ivy "Obama baby" in private.
Max R.: Caity there are, actually, news events in the world that *do not involve Beyonce.* Some of them involve Bruce Springsteen.
Caity W. You asked for MY FAVORITE
Caity W. None of my FAVORITE events do not involve Beyonce
Mobutu S.: Wolf Blitzer just spent two and a half minutes explaining that projections are not actual votes and that they project outcomes based on some information that then gets extended by guesswork and anyway it's not actually a result, but it could be, even though it's not. Blitzer then stepped into a cardboard box marked TELEPORTER and went "bwoop Bwoop BWOOP BWOOP BWEEP" and then he giggled a lot and added, "I'm in a naked lady's bathroom."
Cord J.: The POLITICO crew is on C-Span saying there is "real, real nervousness" from the Romney "war room" about their candidate's chances in Virginia and Ohio. They are wearing microphones attached to their heads and you can hear a lot of people talking in the background. It is clearly the worst of the Election Night broadcasts.
Mobutu S.: CNN interview with Mitt Romney on the campaign plane. Romney grabbed one of the in-case-of-emergency oxygen masks and just did a massive hit of nitrous and said, "YEEEEE-AAAAAAAAAAH JOSEPH MOTHERFUCKING SMITH."
John C.: The excuse-making on Fox News is furious.
John C.: Everyone knows that devastating hurricanes are awesome for politicians. Just ask George W. Bush!
Leah B.: Diane is speaking in a very sexy, sultry voice. She keeps emphasizing words like, "BIG" and "LONG."
Emma C.: If you listen to the MSNBC dramatic background music long enough it starts to sound like the AIM sign-in music.
Cord J.: A lady on C-Span just said, "These days in politics, you can't say anything without it becoming something." A Zen koan, basically!
Mobutu S.: Dangerous signs that the red blinking light of the CNN Ballot Cam might be gradually becoming self-aware.
Leah B.: Seniors being interviewed in the senior citizen center swimming pool!!!
Caity W.: PBS is interviewing boring people in empty rooms while televisions tuned to more exciting channels play in the background.
John C.: Bill O'Reilly notes that independents are breaking for Obama in New Hampshire. "And New Hampshire are the folks! That's the folks!" Obama has gotten to the folks.
Leah B.: Croggs Romneaux speaking on stage. 16 of the 18 grandchildren present. All Romney's were eating pasta for dinner, parents included. Mitt Romney had a peanut butter and honey sandwich for snack time.
Mobutu S.: CNN announces that Angus King has been elected senator from Maine. He's stated that his only goal is to get into the Senate, dig his feet in, in the batters box, and wink at the President of the senate. He cut his acceptance speech short because otherwise his wife's gonna think he's got a girlfriend.
Mobutu S.: Highlight of King's speech: "My goal for America is to beat children in the back until hot dogs fly out of their faces."
Caity W.: PBS' calm, even-handed coverage is great for voters who are still undecided several hours after casting their ballots.
Emma C.: Chris Matthews just interrupted himself while preaching about the right to vote to say as an aside, "and I mean no disrespect to third world countries here."
Max R.: AP is calling Connecticut for Chris Murphy, who just LEG DROPPED Linda McMahon [wrestling joke]
Max R.: McMahon can fail to win a CT Senate seat again in 2016, when Dick Blumenthal is up for re-election, unless she shows up at Murphy's swearing-in ceremony wearing a black bandana and wraparound shades and demands a one-on-one rematch while Vince sneaks up behind Murphy with a folding chair.
Caity W: I can't even tell if the election is an important thing from this PBS coverage, guys. Do not let their telethons fool you. They are a low-key group.
John C. Brett Baier just called Megyn Kelly "the Vanna White" of Fox News' election coverage.
Cord J.: POLITICO Editor-in-Chief John Harris just predicted that Romney-Ryan will be the last time America sees a major-party ticket composed solely of of white men. If this had to be the last, at least it was very, very, very white.
Max R.: CBS calling New Jersey for hooker-lovin' Bob Menendez
Leah B.: Update on Diane Sawyer's bracelet: not a silly band. Is a multi-colored Livestrong.
Caity W.: An ABC reporter just asked a Romney voter if she felt "coveted" as a married white woman [voter].
Mobutu S.: CNN's reporting that Linda McMahon has lost the senate race in Connecticut, and The Situation Room is filling with holograms of the wrestlers who died under Linda McMahon and the WWE's policy that people who are on the road 300 days per year beating the ever-loving shit out of their bodies with one company are independent "contract workers" who don't need healthcare. AND BAH GAWD BENOIT HAS HER IN THE CROSSFACE!!! THE RABID WOLVERINE!!! IF YOU WISH TO SEND LINDA McMAHON CONDOLENCE LETTERS, HER PHYSICAL ADDRESS IS 130 GREEN MEADOW LANE FAYETTEVILLE, GEORGIA 30215.
Max R.: "30 Romneys promised in that room," Brian Williams intones over a shot of the ballroom where Mitt will soon be forcing his facial muscles into something approximating a grin. It's hard not to imagine dozens of identical men in grey suits, milling about, not making eye contact.
Cord J.: POLITICO Executive Editor Jim VandeHei just revealed that if you email email@example.com, the message will go directly to the BlackBerry he's periodically checking live on the air. If you've ever wanted to surprise Jim VandeHei with a picture of your genitals or breasts, your time has come.
Leah B.: I hope one of the tiny Romney's barfs from the excitement. Pasta everywhere!
Max R.: FREE SPEECH, VANDEHEI
Mobutu S. : Wolf Blitzer is really surprised that Florida has election problems in this day and age, after there were all those problems back in 2000. Now, I don't want to suggest that there is a common thread about what party was in charge of elections in the state in those two years. I'm just going to say that Wolf Blitzer has nearly careened off Metaphor Cliff in a Reasoning Automobile, and, as it dangles over the edge of OBVIOUS POINT GORGE, he's squinting his eyes shut, teetering back and forth, saying, "I'M NOT WATCHING THIS VERY CLOSELY. I'M NOT WATCHING THIS VERY CLOSELY."
Leah B.: David Axelrod will shave off his moustache if Romney wins. His wife, we've learned, has never seen him without it. Not very supportive of cancer research.
Caity W. A win for Mitt Romney is a win for cancer, he seems to say.
Max R.: NBC calling Massachusetts for Elizabeth Warren! (This was premature, but they eventually did.) And Obama takes Mitt Romney's home state (birth state?), Michigan.
John C.: The Mormons call it "hatching"
Mobutu S.: CNN's not willing to go either way, but everyone drinking in this room just loudly called Texas full of assholes.
John C.: Tucker Carlson on Fox just explained Obama's lead with women by saying the campaign emphasized abortion, something that the major networks "never covered." And Dana Perino says Obama's focus on abortion was cynical because "no one on the Republican side brought it up as a policy issue or something they wanted to change."
Mobutu S.: CNN just showed Romney headquarters in Boston and panned past at least two spindly hair-misfortunate nerds in blue blazers and bowties, looking like they just molted into their glistening white adult-sized Republi-carapaces.
Mobutu S.: Blitzer: "OH LOOK AT THIS, IT JUST CHANGED WHILE WE WERE SPEAKING!!!" CNN's wall of numbers just changed the vote total and percentage in Florida. Blitzer sounds positively orgasmic. I'm now convinced that Blitzer doesn't understand the difference between signifier and signified. I think Blitzer is convinced that the numbers just changed reality in Florida. If Blitzer draws a mustache on the screen, suddenly everyone in the state will look like Magnum, P.I. until someone can find some Windex. This is real. This will happen. WOLF—HEY, WOLF. DRAW A BITCHIN' CAMARO ON THAT BAD BOY.
Max R.: AP calling the race for Tammy Baldwin, which would make her the first openly gay U.S. senator
Max R.: NBC calling Pennsylvania for Obama, meaning Axelrod can keep the stache.
Camille D.: Hi everyone. Just finished voting in Brooklyn. I wrote in "Max Read" for every answer except for Vito Lopez's seat. Now I'm watching Shep Smith on regular Fox because if there's any night to catch another televised suicide, it's tonight. He too just called Pennsylvania for Obama.
Max R.: I accept your nomination, Camille. My first act: kill all whites.
Max R.: We're only a few hours in but I think we can safely say that the big loser tonight is "unemployed people who want to get a job by starting news-themed parody accounts"
Leah B.: Cecilia Vega is reporting from the University of S. Florida and these kids are about to grab her around the waist and pull her into their "mosh pit." So many "hang loose" hand signs being flashed. She'll be Chill-ia Vega before they're done with her.
A.J. D.: Okay, is this over yet? Can we go back to talking about less boring stuff on the site now?
John C.: wisconsin to oabam
Max R.: Wisconsin goes to ＯＡＢＡＭ, ＲＵＬＥＲ ＯＦ ＴＨＥ ＯＵＴＥＲ ＰＬＡＮＥＴＳ
A.J. D.: That's it! Wrap it up.
John C.: Fox is apparently the only place that's called Wisconsin for Obama.
Max R.: So depressed they're just listlessly naming states for Obama
Max R.: Wisconsin... Obama... sigh....
A.J. D.: #votepoop
Camille D.: Karl Rove just said that Florida is "tighter than a tick." He looks like something found between the seat cushions of a couch tonight.
Emma C.: THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN
Caity W.: OK FINE I WILL PROVIDE THOSE
Caity W.: this one is good because it is very american + illuminati undertones:
John C.: mourdock lost
Caity W.: Barbara Walters' jewelery is just giant chicken nuggets spray-painted gold, fyi. And she was credited as "co-host on The View" — yikes.
Leah B. Ferrero Rocher chocolate necklace chain.
John C.: Fox News is spending like MINUTES lingering on a morose Skype address Rob Portman is making to the Romney headquarters. Sad white people being lectured by a video image of a sad white man.
Mobutu: 9:42, CNN calls Pennsylvania for Obama. That's 17 minutes after Fox News, which couldn't possibly have wanted to, which gives you a good idea of just how on the ball CNN is tonight.
Caity W.: We really are not focusing enough on how BOMBED Dianne Sawyer is tonight. This is her twitter bio, FYI: " I like my news 24/7, my food spicy, my drinks caffeinated, my music Tom Waits-y."
IT'S LIKE SHE TOOK AN AMBIEN AND WASHED IT DOWN WITH PINOT. "we'rrrre getting real votes right now...not exist...exit polls"
Leah B.: "People died, they died...LITERALLY DIED...to vote."
Caity W.: With 69% of precincts reporting, I'm calling Intervention for Diane :(
Leah B.: Quickly transitioning into Real Talk.
A.J. D.: Wait for it.
John C.: epistemic closure:
As the returns sour here, Romney campaign turns off network feed. Now they're playing rousing campaign videos. M. Bay-type political films.— Robert Costa (@robertcostaNRO) November 7, 2012
Max R.: "As returns soured, the Romney campaign switched off network feed and turned on 'Birth of a Nation'"
A.J. D.: If only I knew how to make a gif.:
Leah B.: I love this. And it explains why Diane has kicked her shoes off and is now speaking exclusively with a spanish accent.
Max R.: NH called for Obama
Emma C.: Martha, stress-eating, corrects her pizza slice count mid-tweet. Admirable:
i was so nervous i went into town for a slice of pizza! 3 slices actually- second time i have done that in 12 yearsit was not delivered!
— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) November 7, 2012
A.J. D.: I just turned on Noticias 1 to check their coverage. Camara De. Rep. Distritio 10 is a tight race.
John C.: Steven Hayes on Fox explains Romney's loss in Wisconsin by saying Romney may not have visited there enough, didn't put enough effort into contesting it. Maybe he should have done something drastic like choose a Wisconsinite as his running mate.
Mobutu S.: JOHN KING: "Romney's losing that state. That's gotta be disappointing, he's got a vacation home there." Well, shit, pal, thanks for narrowing it down to the continental United States outside the former Confederacy.
Max R.: Claire McCaskill projected to win Missouri; Missing person Jesse Jackson Jr. wins his seat per NBC.
Caity W.: Romney children are reportedly "running up and down the halls of their hotel" according to David Muir at Romney HQ. 400 Tiny Terrors, high on spaghetti, shrieking in the stairwells. Front desk staff inundated with messages for Amanda Hugginkiss.
John C.: Sarah Palin looks like Cruella Deville.
John C.: On Fox the hosts have taken to repeatedly trying to cheer up the conservative guests, and remind them that "the night isn't over yet." Sarah Palin is despondent, and Greta Van Susteren is trying to keep hope alive.
Max R.: On NBC right now Tom Brokaw is apologizing for describing Republicans as "schizophrenic." NOT because it's insulting to schizophrenics, as I'd think.
Mobutu S.: This van Susteren-Palin interview looks like FTM pre-op Chris Evert talking to a balustrade someone hung a wing and a pair of anime glasses on. Also, I don't think I've seen this much glistening pink lip gloss on anybody since Jennifer Grey was walking around in ESPRIT sweaters and Guess jeans and trying hard as hell not to let anyone put her in the corner.
Max R.: So this was about the point in 2004 when I switched to hard liquor, I think.
Mobutu S.: Gloria Borger reacting negatively to commentary:
John C. Peggy Noonan!
John C. "There is a—oh, a subdued feeling to this if you're a conservative or a Republican."
John C.: "For me, it's going to take some real thinking about what happened here if indeed what appears to be happening turns out to be so."
Camille D.: Massachusetts gets medical marijuana. A while back in Boston, I watched Governor Romney preside over a Drug Summit, which was like watching a nun try to put a condom on a banana. At one point, he called weed "addictive and hallucinogenic." No one corrected him.
Emma C.: Sounds good, everyone pack it up
Most on the right knew Romney might lose, but failing to lock down a single swing state hurts bad.— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) November 7, 2012
John C.: "Except for all the suckers we sell magazines and tv shows to"
John C.: RYAN WINS
FOX News can now project that Republican VP nominee Paul Ryan will retain his House seat in Wisconsin’s first congressional district— Peter Doocy (@pdoocy) November 7, 2012
Caity W.: A very excited 18-year-old voter in Times Square just told Josh Elliott that Susan B Anthony was "beaten" for trying to vote
John C.: AP calls NC for romney; Denver Post calls Colorado for Obama. He's 10 EVs away.
Max R.: If that holds Romney has to run the table with OH, FL, VA and Iowa
John C.: or nevada
Emma C. sorry max
im not drunk u gusys r dunk— Drunk Diane Sawyer (@DrnkDianeSawyer) November 7, 2012
Max R.: Sigh
Camille D.: Colorado called in favor of legal recreational marijuana. The real winner is weed.
Leah B.: Puff puff PASS
A.J. D.: Okay. PERFECT.
My cab driver told me Romney won.Can I trust this?— Kris Humphries (@KrisHumphries) November 7, 2012
A.J. D.: Now it's over.
Max R.: KRIS HUMPHRIES CAB DRIVER PROJECTS ROMNEY VICTORY
John C.: CNN calls Iowa for obama
Max R.: boom
John C.: 4 EVs away
Max R.: that's the ballgame. Romney would have to get a serious upset in Nevada
Emma C.: Self-hating dems everywhere unable to admit victory
#election2012dont give up!— Dick Morris (@DickMorrisTweet) November 7, 2012
Camille D. : Profound wisdom from regular Fox: "It seems that people trust Obama more than Romney."
Max R.: NBC calls the whole thing
Caity W.: Put it on the board
John C.: wow that seems craaaazy
Camille D.: Ohio to Obama!
Max R.: that's insane it's been called this early
John C.: unwise
Camille D. : Shep Smith just broke in to commercial to call Ohio for Obama.
This happened because of you. Thank you.
— Barack Obama (@BarackObama) November 7, 2012
Caity W.: ABC has yet to call it for anyone but is showing a commercial right now for Lincoln. ABC calls it for Lincoln.
Mobutu: CNN is calling every state at least ten minutes after everyone else, even though they have no ideological reason to hold back. These people are still terrified by their errors from 2000.
Emma C.: CNN, 10 minutes later: "We've got a REALLY MAJOR projection now."
Mobutu S.: And, of course, as I say that, they finally call it for Obama.
Leah B.: ABC hasn't even announced yet
Caity W.: ABC still has given no indication of news. We're just covering local interest pieces now.
Emma C.: Diane Sawyer is passed out under her desk.
Leah B.: Diane and George are making out under her desk
Caity W.: They're going to cut back to Diane's studio and it will be EMPTY.
Leah B.: She'll be wearing his tie around her head making butt copies on the copy machine
Caity W.: ABC now airing footage of sandy wreckage taped this afternoon.
John C.: Megyn Kelly: "The mission on the Obama team was to quote Kill Mitt Romney, to make him into a corporate raider, that he didn't care about them."
Camille D. : ABC is that Kennedy/Nixon Mad Men episode from the first season.
Caity W.: Oh good they'll return to ABC news "as soon as we get any big developments"
Leah B.: I would like to see what Bo is doing
Mobutu: GOODBYE, PAUL. NOW I KNOW WHY YOU CRY.
Caity W.: ABC now playing a phone interview with a woman about absentee ballots
John C.: Fox News team is now trying to figure out how it could be that the polls were right. Who could have known?
Caity W.: ABC reporter in a bar notes that "some networks are calling the election but we are still waiting for ABC"
Emma C.: White people in Fort Greene are "woo"-ing loudlyd
Max R.: SOME white people in Fort Greene, no names, are playing Jeezy on our laptops and scaring our cats
Caity W.: ABC reports that Obama has tweeted "4 More Years" but refuses to call it
A.J. D.: Meanwhile, Diane Sawyer just showed up at Big Gay Palace. Hey girl! See you guys tomorrow.
Caity W. ABC throwing it over to weather once more. ABC JUST FOUND OUT OBAMA IS PRESIDENT. PREEMPTING WEATHER FOR AN ANNOUNCEMENT. WHAT IS THE ANNOUNCEMENT
Camille D. : Holy shit, ABC is getting fired tomorrow.
Leah B.: Incoherent. George: "smh."
Caity W.: Diane Sawyer "You are looking at the President of the United States, Barack Obama." DIANE, YOU'RE DRUNK, WE ARE LOOKING AT YOU
John C.: ROMNEY CAMP HAS REAL DOUBTS ABOUT OHIO CALL says fox news
Emma C.: Diane just has an open bottle of Andre on the table
Mobutu S.: Alex Castellanos believes the Republican Party needs to move forward, not sideways. It's time to double down and abjure compromise. It's only going to pay more dividends. Just you wait until Akin and Mourdock are sworn in. Go suck eggs (assuming they're not human).
We can't let this happen. We should march on Washington and stop this travesty. Our nation is totally divided!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 7, 2012
John C.: This is unbelievable Fox News is summoning someone from their decision desk to defend the decision to call Ohio for Obama. They are eating their tail.
Cord J.: he's going into full on meltdown! yes!
Camille D.: Shep Smith is having a Jerry Springer moment about what this all means.
John C.: TURN TO FOX. insane
Jim C.: this is amazing. megan kelly. beige walls.
John C.: oh god
Mobutu: Brett Baier explaining that if he just hits Mr. Wilson with a rock real hard with his slingshot, Mr. Wilson will drop a buncha extra coins so Brett can use the pay phone to call a friend to come vote for that Mr. Romney fella and also buy some neato candy.
Leah B.: Peggy Noonan Feels Subdued
Mobutu: ROVE: "You ever have a beautiful woman over to your home as a guest, and you're cleaning up afterward and see her salad fork and just pick it up and suck on it because you know it was in her mouth, and you can just TASTE her and know that part of her was inside you? Anyway, Mitt Romney's gonna win Cuyahoga County."
Mobutu: Because every time I see Charles Krauthammer, I have to wonder what else his shoe-polished-haired misshapen head looks like, tonight I'm going to say: "Someone took a latex head cast of The X-Files' flukeman and blowtorched it until it melted, added a spray-on tan and then embedded a voicebox modeled on someone with end-stage tuberculosis." Anyway, Chuckie just said that the Wall Street-enabling conciliator Barack Obama is a creature of the left and that Mitt Romney ran the campaign of a Massachusetts moderate. I couldn't hear the rest of his deranged, fact-free, well-compensated monologue, because it was drowned out by the sound of 45 different people playing the sound-effect intro of Pink Floyd's "Money" slightly out of sync.
Barack Obama... shantay you stay. Mitt Romney... sashay away...— RuPaul's Drag Race (@RuPaulsDragRace) November 7, 2012
John C.: aghhhhh. Jon King just explained that "this is a center-right country" because there are more red counties than blue. "in terms of acreage, this is a center-right country"
Mobutu S.: Ahahaha how can a guy like Jon King, who spends all his times fiddling maps like they're light-emitting-dicks, somehow not understand the concept of a map adjusted for population density?
Emma C.: Sentence just said on CNN: "Nothing original is going to shave the big Bush tree."
Caity W.: Katie Couric is discussing 15 year old Paris Jackson's pro-Obama tweet for ABC. Paris used numerous hashtags, which—Katie Couric knows what those are
John C.: ha after all tha fox just called nevada for obama so he doesn't need ohio anyway
Camille D. : Shepard Smith on a lack of a Romney concession call: "Maybe he has some data that nobody else on earth can see."
I can't stop crying.America died.— Victoria Jackson (@vicjackshow) November 7, 2012
John C.: romney has called obama to concede
1:00 AM, Romney's concession speech
John C.: Man Mitt has lost SO many races
he only won ONCE
"we look to job creators"
we look to teachers, rabbis, and job creators
that was weak
Mobutu: It's at times like these it's important to remember that, aside from one term as a Massachusetts governor, the only thing Mitt Romney has won has been tumbling out of the right birth canal into the softest wallet.
Mobutu: Ahahaha so it looks like Allen West is losing his House seat. Here, please retweet this: ".@AllenWest Bonjour, motherfucker, Hitler, Stalin and Nancy Pelosi say hi."
John C.: Bachmann's race is still a toss-up
1:40 AM, Obama's acceptance speech
John C.: PUT THOSE GIRLS TO SLEEP YOU MONSTER
John C.: "America's Happy Warrior" has a creepy ring to it when you consider all the assassinations and such.
Mobutu: Obama's namedropping George Romney is a good move, since it reminds the opinion class of a breed of Republican who repudiated voting restrictions, exploitation of racial tropes for votes, demonization of down-on-their-luck citizens and slavish devotion to militarism and the assumption of American rectitude abroad.
Mobutu: "America's Happy Warrior" just makes me think of Hubert Humphrey and every city machine ward heeler who gave him votes while stomping any attempt at allowing "the negro" to move into the neighborhood.
2:05 AM, let's call it a night
Max R.: #votepoop
Mobutu: Since nobody else seems to want to say it, that was a pretty obvious, warmed-over and essentially dead-souled speech.
John C.: He's like Joe in Say Anything, and I'm like the girl writing songs about him and then he comes along an bats those eyes and I go all mushy inside.
Max R.: #votefarts
Mobutu: This felt like buying tickets for a Journey concert after they release a new album, and for some reason you really love Journey, and you're like, "YEAH, there's gonna be NEW SHIT and some SOLOS I haven't heard before," and they open up the concert with lasers and shit, and they start playing the new song, and you're all "OMG WAAAAUUGH THIS IS REAL" and they get to the SICK chorus of the new song, and then "dun dun dun dun-dun-dun" and you're like, "OH FUCK, IT'S DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'" again. Then the concert segues to a new song's chorus and then "The Wheel in the Sky" and whatever and just fuck it, it's a fucking medley of all the shit you've heard before forever goddamn JOURNEY SOLD OUT MAN.
Max R.: my final words are kill whites kill men kill breeders
Mobutu: Regardless of the outcome, any time we can have an orderly transition from one term to another in a contest for the most powerful job on earth, we commend the ideas of fairness, competition and citizens' rational choice to other peoples. God bless us and God bless those who tread a path as tenuous, bold and open. We have once again been the City on the Hill, and, in the words of John F. Kennedy, "The energy, the faith, the devotion which we [we have brought] to this endeavor will light our country and all who serve it—and the glow from that fire can truly light the world." Now let's all go to sleep without doing a Twitter search for the words "monkey," "ape" or "nigger."
Max R.: #FULLCOMMUNISM
Emma C.: -30-