The Birth of Athena: What to Expect from Today's Nor'easter [UPDATE]

We narrowly avoided one major shitstorm last night, when Romney conceded the presidential race to Obama after eighteen years and several hundred dollars of campaigning.

Unfortunately, a brand new shitstorm is already bearing down upon us. This one's an actual storm. Take a look. It's already begun shitstorming outside.

Meteorologists have been warning about this week's Wednesday-Thursday nor'easter pretty much since Sandy started. But the reports have been sort of difficult to interpret.

A HUGE STORM IS COMING but it won't be really bad BUT IT COULD BE BAD but probably not that bad BUT MAYBE REALLY BAD DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU LIVE so don't panic BUT PLEASE PLEASE USE CAUTION.

So what exactly is happening today?

Precipitation is expected. Will it be the rain of angels' tears falling from the sky? Or perhaps the snow of angels' flaky scalps?
Depending on where you live, you should expect rain, snow, or a combo of the two.

Inland parts of New Jersey, Connecticut, and New York State are expected to see snow, ranging from as little as three inches in Connecticut to as many as ten in New Jersey.

Coastal areas, including New York City, are expected to receive lots of cold rain and sleet – any snow that falls probably won't accumulate. So, while it will be miserable, it will not be beautiful. [UPDATE: Turns out 4.3 inches fell and quite a bit of it hung around overnight. Weatherman are charlatans and meteorology is just another name for astrology.]

Flooding is a major concern for parts of Long Island, where a five foot storm surge will coincide with high tide, as well as for the Connecticut coast. Both areas were beaten down by last week's storm. (The prospect of large waves crashing up and down the coast in areas where beach was eroded is also making people nervous.) The flooding along the Jersey coast isn't expected to be as bad, since it will probably coincide with low tide.

Mind your weave, ladies; wind is coming.
The National Weather Service has issued a High Wind Watch for the region. This means we'll have sustained winds of 30-40mph, coupled with gusts of up to 60 mph. The wind, which will peak Wednesday, is considered extra threatening because it could bring down weakened trees and send debris from Sandy flying everywhere.

It's going to be so fucking cold.
Are you one of those people who gets cold all the time? You're annoying, everyone hates you. Today, however, your fellow citizens will join you in a chorus of complaints. The temperature in New York City will drop near freezing tonight but, with the wind chill, could feel more like the upper teens.

What a headache. I'm going to go to a park to take my mind off things.
YOU CANNOT. By official mandate, all of New York's public parks, playgrounds, beaches, and open air knife fields have been ordered closed until noon Thursday. Construction has also been halted until 7a.m. Thursday morning, so find an inside project to occupy your time.

Because the storm is not expected to pack the wallop of Sandy, the mayor has not ordered the mandatory evacuation of Zone A. Bloomberg did, however, encourage people in the lowest-lying areas of Queens and Staten Island (which will likely flood again) to evacuate Tuesday afternoon.

Everything is horrible. At least I'll get off work tomorrow.
You almost certainly will not. Sorry.

[NBC/The Weather Channel/WSJ // Image via The Weather Channel]