What Obama's Second Term Will Really Look Like

There is a particular type of white person who startles easily, like a sensitive, inbred racehorse or a motherless baby bird. As you might imagine, this has not been an easy week for them. What do they fear? Everything, mostly. Religions that are very similar but not identical to their own. Loud voices and bold fonts. Multi-book series that are not trilogies. More specifically, they fear what will happen to this most American of the Americas during another four years of an Obama presidency.

"I am convinced America is doomed beyond all hope of redemption," Robert Stacy McCain writes at the American Spectator, "and any talk of the future fills me with dread and horror." NaturalNews.com has "10 dire consequences of Obama's re-election victory" ("Obamacare will grow like a cancer, pushing Americans into mandatory vaccinations that inject children with mercury, formaldehyde, MSG and aluminum.")

And they're not the only ones:

But the truth may be even more disturbing. Here are a few of the recently-announced official second-term goals of the Obama administration:

  • All future presidents must pass the "paper bag test." Any candidate whose skin is lighter than a paper bag must concede the race immediately and accept a consolatory place on the Nutrition and Horticulture House subcommittee. Each subsequent president must be at least as black, if not blacker, than the president who preceded him or her.
  • On Inauguration Day, all presidents will be required to publicly apologize to the French people for being cisgendered (if they are cisgendered). They will have to apologize in French.
  • Any white children who cannot defeat Michelle Obama in a pushup contest will be drowned and replaced by the child of an illegal immigrant.
  • Virginity will be made illegal. All evangelical churches must be converted into "Wiccan fuckpits" for mandatory monthly orgies. These orgies will be taxed.
  • Local police will transition into their new roles as the actual PC police. Ableism will be punishable by death.
  • Obama to revive the Disney Channel's short-lived 1990s cartoon series about anthropomorphic gargoyles, "Gargoyles."
  • Any male president will be required to have at least one gay experience if he has not already had one. Swordfighting and other non-penetrative activities will not count.
  • Heterosexuals will no longer be allowed to use Facebook. All handguns will be personally replaced with crucifix-shaped dildos by the president himself. The dildos are to be used for anal insertion only; an embedded microchip will alert federal authorities if they are inserted anywhere else on the human body.
  • Racism will be officially reversed as a matter of government policy. All whites will be rezoned to various reservations based on the number of black friends they have. All reported friendships must be confirmed by said black friends; self-reporting does not qualify any white for residence in District A.