Fact-Checking the 'Slut Vote' with the Christian Men's Defense Network

Noted bloggist B-Skillet over at the Christian Men's Defense Network has taken a few moments away from guarding the perimeter of the last flagging Christian outpost from the Yuuzhan Vong invasion to explain exactly how Mitt Romney (apparently some kind of erstwhile candidate for political office) could have lost. B-Skillet blames "the Slut Vote" (Skillet has since put his WordPress on private; you can see Google's cache here):

[O]n radio ads, on TV, and on the web, the Democrats tried to make this election about a single issue: The right to slut.

Or more precisely, the right to slut without the responsibility of consequences. The famous "gender gap" isn't really a gap based on gender. The right overwhelmingly wins older and married women. The "gender gap" should more accurately be called the slut vote.

Skillet develops a fairly credible argument (against sluts and the votes they go slutting about with). However, we did notice a few significant factual errors that we thought merited addressing.

"I predicted this largely because he played up his alpha cred in the first debate. But one photo-op on the Jersey Shore with Obama looking tough in a bomber jacket destroyed all that, which is yet another reason sane societies don't let women get involved in government."

Everyone looks tough in a bomber jacket. That's why we make them for people who drop bombs out of planes. And I wouldn't call sleeping with President Berlusconi "not involved." He is into some complicated stuff, bed-wise.

"Instead, we are looking at four more years of skyrocketing debt, stifling regulation, and the only First Lady who could possibly be bitchy enough to make Hillary Clinton look feminine."

There is a small, nondescript building - indistinguishable in appearance from its neighbors - somewhere in the outskirts of Washington, D.C. Within that building there is a room. Within that room there is a trapdoor leading to a smaller room, and in that subsequent room, resting in cold storage, there are no fewer than 17 First Ladies bitchy enough to make Hillary Clinton look feminine. Every one of them is a monstrous lesbian. One of them has silver eyes. Silver eyes! When she wakes, the world will burn.

"Women make up about 54% of the electorate. It is very hard to win without winning that segment, or at least losing it only narrowly while winning men big."

A popular misconception. Women make up only about .0001% of the electorate. Did you know there are only 17 women in America? Through a complicated system of levers, pulleys, and elaborate hats, they are able to appear far greater in number. They did something like that on The Flintstones and also Boy Meets World. It was a pretty good episode. Not "Chick Like Me" good, but solid.

"Women want to delay marriage as long as possible so they can "have it all," and usually "have it all" means "have as much hot alpha sex as possible without any consequences.""

This is false; women lack the upper body strength necessary to carry "it all" and must instead be satisfied with quantitatively less hot "beta sex," (sex with beta fishes).

"Contrary to common belief, the primary reason the Democrats own the black vote has nothing to do with civil rights."

This is actually true. The Democrats do own the black vote, having purchased it in 1970 from the Welfare Queen in exchange for membership in the New World Order.

"One thing one has to remember about women, especially slutty ones: They usually don't make decisions based on reason. "

Did you know the average woman makes decisions based on the level of semen in her body? When a woman's residual semen reserves run low, they become cold, ruthless and totally epic bitches. This is how the term "frigid" originated. Also, women's body temperatures generally hover at 82.6°, or about sixteen degrees below normal.

"However, this election cycle shows that the Slut Vote is real, and Republicans lose because they discount the existence of original sin in women. Abortion is often called the "third rail of American politics," but in truth, the third rail is a woman's right to slut (with cash and prizes)."

Prizes include, but are not limited to: Pulitzers, lump cash sums, annuities, Peoples' Choice Awards, a Webby, a studded iPhone case, pink or blue (but not both) teddy bears with SLUT printed on the tummy, and up to 7 cases of Werther's Originals.

"Blessed be the LORD my rock, who trains my hands for war and my fingers for battle."

The LORD is this man's nickname for his genitals; in his religion, masturbation, or "honoring the LORD your God," is seen as a holy act.

[Christian Men's Defense Network, image via Getty]