Who the Hell Wants to Go to a Casino in Maryland?

The state of Maryland, well known for... always being there, has voted to allow casino gambling. Casino companies spent $80 million to get the bill passed, in order to earn the privilege of building an $800 million "destination resort" in Prince George's County, where people will go and gamble.

Why the fuck would anyone do that?

The Washington Post hilariously notes that casino developer MGM plans to install "Rodeo Drive-worthy retail" and "Vegas-style entertainment" right there in PGC, an area whose main claim to fame has heretofore been shoutouts on Big Tigger's radio show. You know where people who want casino gambling, fancy stores, and Vegas-style entertainment can go, already? Vegas. They can go to Vegas. (Or, if they have real money, to Macau.) Vegas has dozens of huge casinos and countless upscale shops and restaurants and shows and performers and a boatload of hookers. Maryland has none of those things except the hookers.

I mean, it's easy to see why Maryland politicians would want a casino: because politicians do not mind bloodsucking their own poor citizens, if it improves their budget situation. Casino revenue for government is like getting a tax increase, without having to pass a tax increase.

But look, MGM: there will never be glamorous, "Vegas style" casino gambling in Maryland. Maryland is simply not built for glamor. Maryland is a shithole. Vegas is a shithole too, but it's out in the desert, so you can do whatever you want. Maryland is just a boring place north of DC. That means the only people who will go to your stupid Maryland casino are boring people from DC, and people from the surrounding area who can't really afford to be gambling but they really need money so they go gambling and then lose and that's pretty immoral really, if you think about it, and that's the business you're in. Just a big old non-glamorous warehouse of localized bloodsucking out there in a boring place. Just like Foxwoods, which can't even sustain itself any more. Too many casinos in too many places going after not enough money. And not enough glamor. A Maryland casino will not resemble the movie Ocean's Eleven. It will more closely resemble a typical Wal-Mart store festooned with neon lights and slot machines. Full of grandmothers on fixed incomes smoking Salems and the occasional K Street ex frat boy away on a shitty non-glamorous "boy's night," smoking what he thinks is (but is not, in fact) a Cuban cigar.

Weather's better in Vegas too.

[Photo: ambernectar13/ Flickr]