Husband-Hunting, Crossfit-Face-Offs and Other Rabble-Rousing That Went Down This WeekS

What a whacky week. We re-elected a president and survived a snowstorm, but now it's warm again? What's going on? Maybe it was just because you were all so happy that we were back, but you were feeling chatty this week. Just all of the emails: some were fun, some were sad, some were helpful, some were mad. You guess which email corresponds to which emotion.

Ha, joke's on you. I don't care about any of you suckers! (I care about some of you suckers.)

Subj: Tip
You are the scum of the earth. Your website sucks and you're wasting your life caring about people who don't give a shit about you. You contribute nothing to society.

Any man would be lucky to have you (and other dad clichés). I don't know, maybe try some highlights?

Subject: Sup! I am seeking for husband!

Im a full time mom and my daughter is my world.I love to work out and be around my friends and family.I work full time and most days love my job!I dont have a lot of time to myself but i love my life.I totally would take the summer over the winter any day.so ya Thats kinda my life in a nutshell!

I would like to invite you two to arm wrestle this one out.

Subject: Response to The Problem(s) with Crossfit.

Hamilton Nolan,

First of all I would like to say that you had a well written article. That being said, I think you are a dumber that a pile of elephant shit at the zoo and fuck you.

Let's go down your list of what are the problems with crossfit so I can point out your ignorance.

1. "It is a group exercise." You even said you were irrational with your conclusion and opinion! You say that workouts should be done alone, yet do not provide a reason as to why. That is a great argument you have there! I don't think I would be going out on a limb by saying that not very many people work out alone. Many people either have a gym partner or with crossfit, a whole community that is there to push you on an inspire you to succeed. Group exercise is superior to working out alone just on the psychological level alone. Unless of course you are one of those people who just likes to do bicep curls in front of a mirror and check yourself out the whole time, hoping no one sees or talks to you.

2. "It is generalist." Yes, no shit! No one that is part of the Crossfit makers ever said, "Hey if you want to be better at football, baseball, being an olympic lifter, etc, just do crossfit." NO. No one who runs crossfit as a company ever said that. Obviously if you want to get better at something specific then practice that specific thing. Crossfit is about being fit over all and being a generalist, anyone with a brain knows that if you want to get better at something then you must practice doing it.

3. "It is too expensive." It's expensive, yes. But then again it is also like having a trainer. People at crossfit boxes and the trainers at the boxes will coach you through everything unlike at your commercial gym where no one has a clue what is going on and you are paying to use their equipment in hopes that you know how to use it properly. The money is worth it if you aren't a poor fuck.

4. "Their pullups suck." Again, your ignorance is astounding. Obviously you do not understand the fundamentals of crossfit, yet you are willing to put an article on the internet bashing it with the little knowledge you have. You stupid motherfucker. If you knew anything, and clearly you don't, you would know the whole basis of crossfit is power output. Your dumbass probably doesn't understand what this is. Let me explain, power output is work/time. And work is equal to force * distance. So it would make sense for them to do the pullup with a kip in order to have the most power output. And I guarantee if I ever saw your bitch ass I would be able to do more strict pullups than you anyways.

5. "You wil get injured." You must be a fucking fortune teller! No wonder you can't afford crossfit. LOL. If you don't know how to control the weight or lift properly then yes you will get injured but most of us aren't globo gym retards who don't know how to lift.

6. "The whole cult thing." I love how you stated everything on your blog was horrifyingly true when everything on your blog is false and ignorant as FUCK. All the globo gym fucks are the creepy/scary as fuck people who workout.

7. "You can't trademark working out, you fuckers." Damn you are stupid as shit, that't all I have to say about this one.

Next time you write an blog don't be so fucking stupid,

ok thanks!

Mike

A maroon? Really? Since I'd always seen Cord as more of a spring, wearing teals and lilacs and the like.

Subj: Fire that idiot Cord Jefferson
There's you tip. What a maroooon.

This email is actually from Daniel Day-Lewis. Such a method actor...

Gawker —

I am loath to close.

We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.

With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation's wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations.

Yours very gratefully,

Abraham

[Image by Jim Cooke]