Brunching with your best friends is supposed to be the best part of your sad and hopeless existence, but sometimes, doing Sunday brunch is hard work. You will surely have to wait in a very long line. After finally getting seated, you will be given terrible service because the restaurant is just way too busy. These two things make the meal very long and you might run out of things to talk about very quickly. Use this cheat sheet and your friends might start calling you queen bloody mary.
The Gist: This one's an easy one and can take up a lot of time. There was a big election on Tuesday. Barack Obama won the presidency. Mitt Romney and conservatives all around got shellacked.
Support: "OBAMA!" If you're sitting at a table of liberals, this is your best bet. They will be delighted with your pleasure. Toast your coffee mugs. You guys did it.
Disapprove: "Man, I just don't know where this country is going." If you're out to brunch with your s.o.'s conservative grandparents, you should assume the Trump role here. You can pick up major points just by mentioning how "scary" the next four years will be. Put a strong hand around your love and deadpan, "we're just so scared." Killed it.
The Viral Video: "Hey guys, did you see that video of the little kid freaking out about Romney losing the election? I'll post it on your Facebook."
The Bonus Round: "Aren't you glad all those states passed gay marriage? I sure am."
The Petraeus Affair
The Gist: CIA head honcho General Petraeus cheated on his wife with his biographer, Paula Broadwell. He resigned from his job on Friday. This is a huge scandal and it probably will only get bigger. The CIA found out about the affair because Broadwell was harassing other women from Petraeus' email account.
Support: Employ outrage and disbelief. "I mean his biographer! How vain can you be!?" Good.
Disapprove: It's never okay to cheat on a spouse. It's just unfair. Be careful about using this angle if you have any recent divorcees at the table. May strike a wrong chord.
The Viral Video: "Hey guys, did you see that video of Paula Bradwell doing pushups on The Daily Show? I'll tweet it at you when I get home."
The Bonus Round: "I mean c'mon, all of these CIA guys are definitely cheating on their wives. But shouldn't they be better at hiding their secrets?!"
The Bieber Breakup
The Gist: Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez broke up. This makes his army of screaming teen girl fans very happy. Selena Gomez? Not so happy right now.
Support: It's fine for these two to be single, "Justin's only 18!" Maybe it'll make their music a bit more grown up. It's time for Bieber to write his "Cry Me A River" already.
Disapprove: WHAT, NO! These two are the most perfect couple in the whole world. There's no reason that they should ever be apart. EVERYTHING SUCKS.
The Viral Video: "Hey guys, did you see that video of them dancing to "Call Me Maybe"? I'll post it on Tumblr and you can watch it there I guess."
The Bonus Round: "Who do you think Bieber will date next? Get Lilo in there already. Let's take this kid down."
The Gist: Relief efforts are still going on in the Rockaways in Queens and in Staten Island. There are still missing people. You should really leave brunch and go volunteer, but you won't.
Support: The L train is finally working! Praise the MTA for getting all of the trains working again. The New York Times has a really good article about the miracle repairs. Do some reading before you order waffles.
Disapprove: "Isn't it terrible that people still are suffering in Red Hook?" This is kind of a bummer, but encourage the table of your peers to go help out. If you're going to sit around getting drunk all morning, you might as well leave with a bit of a message.
The Viral Video: "Hey guys, did you see that video of the Con Ed plant exploding? I'll email it to you RIGHT AWAY."
The Bonus Round: "And I can't believe it snowed this week and now it's almost 65 degrees! Global warming is ridiculous."
Mary Kate Olsen
The Gist: Mary Kate Olsen, everyone's favorite tiny human, is dating 42-year-old Oliver Sarkozy (Olsen is 26). They look kind of nasty together.
Support: "I can't believe MK is finally happy!" You haven't seen her this gleeful since she solve that mystery at Sea World with her sister.
Disapprove: That age difference is pretty outrageous. Also, he is objectively not cute. MK, get your act together—at least for Ashley's sake
The Viral Video: "Hey guys, did you see that video of "Gimme Pizza" slowed down? I'll post it on your...you know what? Go to YouTube when you get home. I'm not Jeeves, dammit."
The Bonus Round: "Seriously though, do you remember when they solved that whale mystery at Sea World?"
You are now the king of brunch. Place your hashbrown crown on your head and scream out to your lesser subjects, "I won. I won brunch."
[Image via Shutterstock]