As the Elmo Sex Scandal — one of the top two current Sex Scandals in the United States — draws to an anticlimactic close, parents across the country have been left wondering: how can I explain to my children that Kevin Clash, the puppeteer who provides Elmo with life has been accused of having sex with a 16-year-old, and furthermore that the man in question (now 23) recanted his story within days of the initial accusation?
Luckily for parents, Gawker, home of family-friendly content like "Who Needs a Log Flume When You Can Get a Blow Job In a Theme Park Bathroom Instead?: My Family Vacation" and "Brett Hartmann, One of Our Death Row Correspondents, Has Been Executed," has created a 100-percent child-appropriate re-telling of of the Elmo Sex Scandal, geared entirely toward children and starring their two favorite muppets, Elmo and Justin Bieber. Please read it aloud to your children and show them the accompanying photos.
The Tale of Elmo and His Adult Male Friend
A re-enactment staged by Caity Weaver, Jim Cooke & Max Read
This is a story about Elmo, Elmo's Adult Male Friend, and what happens when you tell a fib.
Once upon a time, Elmo was sitting at his work computer, visiting only sites that had been approved by his parental guardians, like sesamestreet.org and nickjr.com. Elmo decided he wanted to send an email. After thinking for a moment, Elmo decided to send an email to his Adult Male Friend. Elmo wrote an email telling his Adult Male Friend he missed him a lot. (Later, Elmo's boss told him he shouldn't email friends from his work computer.)
Elmo's Adult Male Friend got the email, which Elmo had sent from work, at his home far away. He wrote back that he missed Elmo too. Elmo and his Adult Male Friend decided to meet.
Elmo and his Adult Male Friend met and had a boring sleepover for grown-ups. They did boring grown up things, like stretches
and clean the floor
and nap in the same bed.
After the sleepover, Elmo's Adult Male Friend couldn't stop thinking about Elmo. He also wanted candy. He realized that, if he told just one small fib about the sleepover, he might be able to get lots of money for candy.
Elmo's Adult Male Friend called a website called TMZ that kids should never visit. He told TMZ that he knew a bad secret about Elmo. TMZ loves secrets. They paid Elmo's Adult Male Friend to tell them the secret.
Elmo's Adult Male Friend fibbed, and told TMZ that he and Elmo had had a sleepover when he was just a kid. This was bad because kids are only allowed to have sleepovers with other kids.
TMZ didn't know that Elmo's Adult Male friend had fibbed to them. They told everyone that Elmo had done a very bad thing by having a sleepover with his friend before his friend had become a grown-up.
Everyone was mad at Elmo.
Elmo took a leave of absence from Sesame Street in order to reassemble the shattered fragments of his personal life.
He also told everyone that his Adult Male Friend was a fibber. No one knew whom to believe. Both Elmo and his Adult Male Friend swore they telling the truth.
Then Elmo's Adult Male Friend began to think about what he had done.
We don't know if Elmo's other friends paid him any money to stop telling the fib, or if Elmo's Adult Male Friend just felt bad about telling a fib in the first place, but he decided to stop telling fibs.
Elmo's Adult Male Friend's Friend—a lawyer—told everyone that Elmo and Elmo's Adult Male Friend had both been grown-ups when they had their sleepover. He "took back" the fib.
Elmo came back to work. He was happy that his Adult Male Friend admitted he was fibbing, but sad that some people still believed his Adult Male Friend over Elmo.
Some fibs can never be taken all the way back. Elmo never emailed friends from his work computer ever again, and also never spoiled his dinner by eating too many cookies because those are both things it is bad to do.
Dramatis Personae Elmo . . . Elmo Elmo's Adult Male Friend . . . Justin Bieber TMZ . . . A Shark A Lawyer . . . The Obamarator