As you are probably aware, New York Times food critic Pete Wells became the most important man in America this week after eviscerating Guy Fieri's Times Square restaurant for essentially being Guy Fieri in building form — a bloated, neon monstrosity serving unappetizing food obnoxiously. Here's the thing, though, about Guy's American Kitchen & Bar, which has now become ground zero for everything wrong or right with capitalism: Fieri serves way more revolting food at one of his other restaurants.
Allow me to introduce you to Tex Wasabi's, a restaurant of Fieri's that has locations in Santa Rosa, Calif. and the Sacramento-area. Tex Wasabi's features Fieri's takes on barbecue and various East Asian foods, with "St. Louis Style Ribs" sharing menu space with "Hong Kong Noodles." It would all be rather standard if not for the restaurant's "Gringo Sushi," which is sushi for Americans who don't want to eat any of that gross raw fish stuff. Tex Wasabi's offers four Gringo Sushi rolls, and they sound like they would make even a college freshman fresh off two bong rips gag.
Here are the four Gringo Sushi rolls (there used to be eight, God help us) ranked in descending order of nastiness:
- Hidden Chicken: Thin slices of Teriyaki chicken, rice paper, sushi rice, avocado, tangerine, crushed wontons and iceberg lettuce. Because the only thing you think about when eating sushi is, "Man, I wish I was eating some iceberg lettuce."
- Big Bird on Fire: Blackened chicken breast, rice paper, sushi rice and natural cut fries. Guy Fieri saying "Yo dawg, I heard you like fries," (he's probably said this in real life, by the way) will be a recurring theme.
- Jackass Roll: BBQ pork, rice paper, sushi rice, avocado, natural cut fries and a garlic chili mayo sauce. I'm trying to think of a grosser combination than pork, rice paper, french fries and mayo, but I'm failing.
- Kemosabe Roll: BBQ tri tip, rice paper, sushi rice, natural cut fries, crispy onions & a garlic chili mayo sauce. Wait, wait — add crispy onions.
If you (or a friend or family member) have ingested Gringo Sushi and are willing to push down the shame and tell us about it, please leave an incredibly detailed comment. In lieu of that, let's just talk about our favorite episodes of "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives."