Pour Michelle a big glass of white wine and light that one candle that I like ("cotton breeze") because Obama treated foreign policy decisions like Bachelor Rose Ceremony decisions this weekend, and we need to Talk About It.
Drudge Report described Obama's diplomatic jaunt as "touchy-feely," then swapped that out for the (less offensive? more offensive?) nonsense adjective "Flirtasian." The Daily Mail called the President's demeanor with the Thai Prime Minister "flirty."
"President Obama is practicing a new brand of foreign relations, appearing to flirt with Thailand's attractive prime minister on his first stop of his three-day tour of Southeast Asia.
The president and Prime Minister Yingluck Shinawatra could be seen laughing together and exchanging playful glances through a state dinner at the Government House in Bangkok on Sunday."
Having spent the last two decades inside a body, I am considered, by many, to be something of a "body language expert."
So what's really going on here? Are President Obama and Prime Minister Shinawatra "just friends"? Is she his secret side piece? Is she our new Mommy and does this mean our old Mommy stops loving us?
Please join me as I examine a series of incriminating still shots from
a Ja Rule/Ashanti video Barack Obama's recent trip to Asia.
Suggested soundtrack for this visual journey: Barry White's Gold.
Who's That Lady with My President?
First, let's meet The Other Woman. Hi, kids. This is your President's "new friend," Yingluck Shinawatra. He says he met her because she's the Prime Minister of Thailand, but I'm pretty sure they met at the gym or on the Internet. There are a lot of creeps and weirdos on the Internet, kids, case in point: your President's "new friend"—Don't tell him I said that. That'll be a fun secret for us to have. As you can tell from her smug face, she's got a smug little face and wears a lot of perfume.
Stage 1: The Pick-Up Artist Emerges
In this photo, Shinawatra is giving President Obama what is known as "the eyes." "The eyes" are her way of subtly telling the president, "I want to fuck you, bareback, maybe weird stuff," though she probably also said that un-subtly, with words.
The neckline of her jacket forms a pentagon pointing downward, indicating her intention to completely upend the United States government by causing #drama #sorrynotsorry.
Stage 2: A Moral Compass Breaks Down
Here, we see President Obama pausing mid-debate (he's also running for Prime Minister of Thailand) to weigh the consequences of an extramarital dalliance. Beyoncé's disappointed face flashes before his eyes. Does he dare turn his back on The Queen (Bey) for a night of passion and intense policy discussion with the PM?
Stage 3: Courtly Love
Welp, Obama's all in. Palm to palm is holy palmer's kiss. Obama and Shinawatra are literally making out in this picture, and they don't give a fuck.
Stage 4: The '03 Bonnie & Clyde: Hov and Bey
By dinnertime the couple is completely enthralled with one another, their carefree gaiety on proud display. They are the hottest new power couple. They are the Barack and Michelle of International Relations. They are George Bluth and Kitty.
Stage 5: Bottles, Models, and Happily Ever After
Here, we see Obama and Shinawatra staring intently into one another's eyes, as toasting etiquette dictates. To what are they raising a toast? Themselves, of course – it's a surprise wedding! How Mark Zuckerberg of them.
Notice that Shinawatra holds her glass by its stem, like a lady, whereas Obama tosses all sense of decorum out the window and grabs his by the bowl, like a child that has been raised by wolves and then forgotten everything his wolf-family taught him about stemware. This gesture is Obama declaration to the world "I. Am. Wild."
But not so fast, Slick Rick with ya Trick Bitch.
Stage 6: The Secretary Suspects
Hillary Clinton's got her eye on you.
Stage 7: Hate the Player, Admire His Game
The next day, in Myanmar, Obama forgot he was married again (to both Michelle and Shinawatra), and proceeded to mack all over democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi.
Body Language Expert Verdict
No more taking sips out of Joe Biden's "Playerade" (Cranberry juice, mixed with Red Bull, mixed with non-alcoholic gin, mixed with whatever loose pills Biden finds in his jacket pocket) before diplomatic trips.
[Images via AP/Reuters/Fox]