Why Marco Rubio Cannot Believe In Science

Florida Senator Marco Rubio has clearly learned a thing or two from Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock when it comes to qualifying public statements. Reminding us that a comprehensive understanding of the earth's history is reserved for only the most seasoned of sages and alchemists, with many glowing astrolabes, he told GQ that the true age of the planet is "one of the great mysteries" of our time. It seems fairly clear, however, that in suggesting parents teach their children about the formation and development of the planet using either "what science says" or "what their faith says" where he lands on science.

You may, of course, already know that Rubio has been referred to more than once as the Crown Prince of the Tea Party movement, but did you know this is an actual inherited position that comes with numerous attendant responsibilities and obligations (probably)?

As heir apparent to the Throne of Tea, Rubio alone controls the levels of the sea as Master of the Tides, protecting former President Reagan's twelve thousand unborn crab children, clinging to the drowned and frigid rocks of coastal Maine as they await their terrible hatching. He must reject the idea that government spending can have possibly stimulate the economy and he must also believe that market forces are what led to the extinction of the great auk.

He may neither believe in science nor gaze upon the dead; he cannot be in the same room as a bird of any kind or a copy of the Articles of Confederation. He cannot die and he cannot enter the threshold of a public library without shedding human blood. He must believe with complete and perfect faith that the second season of The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest was superior to the first, even though this is demonstrably untrue. Also, he can summon a chariot capable of taking him anywhere in the nine known worlds, drawn by a team of eyeless bears, merely by touching snow.

Yes, the beliefs of Marco Rubio are manifold and terrifying, like the plot of a V.C. Andrews novel. He does not choose them himself but merely acts as a vessel, transmitting the sacred thoughts of our forebears to succeeding generations. Had the interviewer from GQ taken a bit more time to ask questions, we might have gotten to hear a few more of them:

Marco Rubio Gets Asked About Welfare

"Listen, I'm not some kind of welfare expert. I can tell you what stamps are. I can tell you what food is, generally. It's my understanding - it's my belief that you can just take any old stamp - a common postage stamp, maybe still attached to the envelope, maybe not - and demand food from any nearby American citizen. Is that fair? I don't know. I've never mailed a letter; I can't speak to that controversy. Food is regularly dispensed to hungry citizens through mailboxes, though, I do know that much. Four, sometimes five times a day."

Marco Rubio Gets Asked About Foreign Policy

"Not being a cartographer, I don't feel comfortable making claims about whether Afghanistan is held aloft above the swirling, eternal darkness by a series of tigers or turtles. I'm not willing to rule out the possibility of other animals being involved, either. Could be pigeons - either some sort of enormous pigeon, or a thousand normal-sized pigeons. Which, if I had to estimate, would be about a foot in length. Body or wingspan, either way. But again, I'm not an expert. I don't even own a sextant. I can tell you how many angels can dance on a pin; I can tell you the names of most of the Kings of Judah and the primary exports of Belarus, if that helps."

Marco Rubio Gets Asked About The Ending of The Sopranos

"I think Tony ends up okay. I really do. I really and truly believe that and to be honest with you, I don't have anything else to say about the matter."

Marco Rubio Gets Asked About The Ending of 1990s Sitcom Dinosaurs

"I thought we agreed in advance you weren't going to bring that up. All I'll say is that I think it's a terrible way to treat the devoted fans who followed the Sinclair family through four seasons. They deserved better. We all deserved better"