What Should You Buy a Sad Republican Loser? A Gift Guide

The holidays couldn't come sooner for the nation's Republicans, who just suffered a devastating repudiation of everything they hold dear and are in the process of confronting the fact that the America they loved so much is now mostly brown and gay. What can you get them to cheer them up and help them along the inevitable journey to socialism?

The important thing about Republicans is that they care exclusively about money and can find happiness in material goods. The downside is they are only made happy by shitloads of money and yachts and stuff, and you probably can't afford that. So maybe a book? Moby Dick might have a special resonance. Or maybe a Rosetta Stone Spanish language course. Have at it.