How to Conquer Gwyneth Paltrow's Evil Gift-Giving Goop Army: A Guide

For those who don't know, Gwyneth Paltrow, the world's most perfect human and Beyonce's best friend, has a newsletter called Goop. It's filled with insight on how to be perfect and live your life exactly how the mother of two children named Apple and Moses lives her life.

Goop just released their wish list for the holiday season and it's just unfair at this point. Why is Gwyneth so great at gift giving? We're sure she's getting Beyonce some monogrammed yacht and we just can't compete with that.

But we shouldn't have to take this anymore! Here's the five point plan of how the 99% of gift givers are going to take back the country this year. The only way to beat the empress is to learn all of her teachings and slightly upstage her. Let's do it people.

Get What You Want

Gooplady Gwen Sez: In the intro to her list, the queen shares her desires for the perfect fitness wardrobe. "'I've always wanted a one shouldered exercise top and could never find one," she says. "So we've collaborated with BEYOND YOGA (who make really chic, comfortable, perfect exercise gear) to make my dream top!"

Whatever Gwyneth wants, Gwyneth gets; you should follow the same rule.

Upstage Her!: Get on the phone with Sweden. I've always wanted a pillow that can safely hold a bowl of soup, so that I can slurp soup in bed when I have a cold. All on you now Ikea.

Listen To Music Like You Are Old

Gooplady Gwen Sez: Musical gifts are always a good idea. But CDs and iTunes gift cards are for the lazy and uninspired. Be like Gwyneth and take people back a couple of decades. She suggests a record player with records from the 80s, which is a pretty normal and really rad gift.

Damn this is going to be a hard one.

Upstage Her!: The further back in time you go, the better you get. Gwyneth also wants you to buy an iPhone speaker that looks like a gramophone. Nope, not old enough. Go back all the way and get someone a real gramophone. For bonus points, steal one of her husband Chris Martin's Grammy awards and just give that away.

Control The Lives Of Your Loved Ones

Gooplady Gwen Sez:: Here's a good tip: make sure that you force your likes and hobbies onto the people that you love. Gwen suggests gifting a custom blend perfume, new makeup trays and makeup, and giving your most cherished friend a planter that he/she has to construct themselves. Your friends are not as good as you are, therefore they should like the stuff you like. You are Goop. You are Good. You are God.

Upstage Her!: Go the completely opposite direction, it's what normal people do. Your uncle likes golf? Then it's golf clubs he's getting. Oh what's that, you've bought your dad a tie for the last 19 years? No need to change that now! Go with safe bets for gifts. No one likes to build a planter anyways.

Personalize Everything

Gooplady Gwen Sez: This is the cornerstone of how to be a goop-head. Putting a person's name on something is the best way to make it theirs. Cutting board? Got yer' name on it. Don't even think of buying a diamond necklace this year. Drop it and get your girlfriend a nameplate immediately. Gwyneth also suggests "a wooden rope swing to hang on a tree in your backyard" because nothing says childhood like monogrammed wood.

Upstage Her!: Tattoos. It's the only way. Walk slowly up to your mom on Christmas Eve, turn around, and pull the back of your pants down. Show her your new tramp stamp that says "mom" in neat script. She will weep. You are now the lord of personalization.

Pretend Your Man-Friend Is Gay

Gooplady Gwen Sez: If your male friend is already gay, Gwyneth has you more than covered. Her suggestions for guy gifts, co-authored with style expert Yale Breslin, include a Grace Jones tote bag, a SoulCycle bike, nautical themed jewelry, and a monogrammed (of course) robe.

Upstage Her!: Go all out. Gift your special guy a year's subscription to Grindr Xtra. Take him on a getaway to Boiler Room. Buy him a butt plug, but make sure to get it monogrammed, duh.

[Image via AP]