Two facts are inescapable this Monday, November 26th, in the year of our Lord 2012.
#1: Lindsay Lohan's Lifetime Movie Liz and Dick was the biggest televised shitshow America has seen in a while.
#2: It is Cyber Monday, the day when bored people at work surreptitiously trade online foreplay in exchange for steep discounts on home goods.
Why not combine the two and have the most Liz and Dick Cyber Monday ever? Put down those qualms and pick up that credit card and also an "alcohol bottle" full of non-descript clear liquid (for sponsorship reasons). Get me Aristotle Onassis! We're going shopping.
Item 1: 8 Wedding Dresses
There is probably no better time to buy wedding dresses in bulk than cyber Monday, and with your commitment and self-esteem issues, you're going to need a lot of them. Liz Taylor was married eight times to seven different dicks. With the Wedding Shoppe's online promotion, you can buy one wedding gown priced at $1000 and get $400 off your next purchase: another wedding gown.
(There's a sliding scale of bargains if you are poor, but feel you deserve to get married anyway.)
Item 2: Endless Cigarettes
Lindsay Lohan spent 99% of Liz and Dick smoking a cigarette on screen, and she only appeared in 90% of the scenes. Who has time to relight all those cigarettes? With the 40% off EVERYTHING discount at the Veppo electronic smoking alternative online store, you won't need time. Only a glass of vodka and some goddamn privacy.
Savings:$40, if you decide to go H.A.M.
Item 3: So Many Pills
Nothing spells campy fun like a botched suicide attempt, and that's just what viewers got when Lindsay's Liz tried to off herself with a fistful of dolls. Want to stage your own fake-suicide but hate the hassle of waiting in line? Get free shipping on 5 bottles of Bayer Aspirin from Kmart. Taylor may have struggled with her weight later in life, but there's no reason your blood can't be thin.
Savings: You being seen in a Kmart
Item 4: Cinema Choice Movie Theater-Style Popcorn Popper
Microwaves are low-class. Not fit for a picture star such as yourself. Buy this movie theatre-style popcorn popper onsale at CVS, and let your kids play with it after you pass out drunk on their birthdays, the *pop! pop! pop!* a jarring staccato to punctuate their wails.
Item 5: Applause and Fame
What could be better than a rapt audience bursting into applause as you glide onstage to teach an "adorably good-natured orphan and her canine companion teach the world that perseverance and unwavering hope can change lives" (in a walk-on role on Broadway's Annie)? That PLUS a $500 Neiman Marcus giftcard. Both can be yours today for the low, low price of $30,000.
Item 6: Cute Dog Coat
Richard Burton's elder brother Ifor became paralyzed after slipping and falling while at the actor's house in Switzerland. Burton blamed himself for the accident, and sought solace at the bottom of a bottle. This Pet Life Vintage Aspen Ski Dog Coat with Removable Hood is half price at Petsmart.com!
Item 7: Gloves to Hide your Ham Hands
Lifetime legend has it that Elizabeth Taylor asked Richard Burton to buy her a giant diamond ring to make her pudgy hands look smaller (though this would, paradoxically, also draw attention to them). Hide your fat hands deep inside these luxurious J. Crew gloves, made from the leather of a frightful little pig. Use the code: MONDAY to score 25% off.
Item 8: Furry Hats and Puffy Nips
One of the most noteworthy fashion decisions Liz and Dick's costumers made, apart from getting as much of Lindsay's boobs as possible into every scene, was to place Liz Lohan in a succession of giant furry hats. (You can see a couple clips of them in Rich's highlight reel.) Thanks to Urban Outfitters $15 off $75 Cyber Monday promotion, you can have as many furry hats as the stars playing the stars. Buy this one in blue and yellow. To bump your order up over $75, add this "Staring at Stars Clip Dot Blouse" and don't wear it with a bra. Haha, you go girl-watch yourself.
Savings: $15, plus free shipping
Item 9: A (Poster of a) Priceless Van Gogh
Home Depot is offering Free standard shipping on all orders today only. Recreate Liz's hotel home improvement scene by buying silk wall paper, an expensive hammer, and a print of Van Gogh's "Wheatfields with Reaper." Break into your boyfriend's house and hammer the picture to your boyfriend's wall to let him know you love him and are not crazy.
Item 10: The Jewel of Denial
Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton met on the set of a Lifetime production of Cleopatra operating on a shoestring budget so everything looked cheap and tacky. Recreate the costumes of Cleopatra with an opulent spin, by purchasing these Egyptian Lotus Earrings from the Metropolitan Museum of Art's online store. (Save 25% with code BFIRDAY12) You can also give a nod to Burton's Mark Antony character by saving 20% on Kohl's Marc Anthony Collection with the code CYBER20.
Savings: $22.50 for the earrings; untold savings on timeless style for the Marc Anthony
Item 11: WHITE DIAMONDS
Savings: $44.00 (Unbelievable!)
Please share your own Liz and Dick-flavored bargains below.
[Image via Lifetime; Thanks to Robert Kessler for helping me shop]