Is it possible to twist someone's nipples completely off? Definitely not, right?
That could only happen in a horrifying nightmare world where humans are made of moldy sausage meat parts that rip off like pepperoni pieces from a congealed cheese pizza.
Someone's on the phone for you, by the way.
Oh, it's Florida:
"An inappropriate game of titty twister has lead to tragedy in New Port Richie, Florida."
This is the lede of a recent Miami New Times story about 28-year-old Thomas Matheson. Matheson was arrested on charges of child abuse after some friendly roughhousing between a man and a toddler took an unexpected turn.
Matheson, who was "watching" a 2-year-old boy while the child's mother was at work, told police that, in the moment, he didn't realize that the nipples had popped off in his hands like rusty buttons attached to a screaming baby.
Luckily the toddler's grandmother, who arrived on the scene two hours later, noticed that there was something unusual about how her grandson no longer had nipples, and arranged for him to be taken to the hospital.
Even after having read that story, it still seems impossible, right? It has to be impossible to completely twist someone's nipple/s off.
But lo, the Internet is a veritable treasure trove of stories in which people's nipples have been ripped clean off their person:
"When she untucked her tank top, her nipple fell on the floor, according to the police report."
The question, it seems, is not "Is it possible to twist a nipple completely off?" but "Is it possible to make it through life without having one or both of your nipples twisted completely off?"
For the final word, we return to Florida, where a young boy will never nurse again:
"Doctors say it is unlikely the nipples will grow back," reports Bay News 9.
But not impossible.
Never stop believing in miracles.