Last week, we asked you how you reconcile the precarious position of having to buy a gift for someone you hate. This was a joke question that brought out a lot of truth, which was nice. Thank you for sharing your stories and suggestions. I do not hate you for that and would buy you a straightforwardly nice gift if I knew you. Our favorites are below.
Bat-dork says, "I'd suggest Scientology books:
1. If they think you are a Scientologist, they might avoid you for the rest of your natural life. Win-win situation.
2. If they buy into it and become Scientologists, they will be sucked dry of every penny they own while being regarded as weirdos, and you can eventually claim you're loyal to Xenu thus cutting all ties with them. Win-win situation." [Amazon]
Gawker's Steve Climaco says: "Get them A Christmas Story 2 on DVD (guaranteed to ruin anyone's childhood memories of the first, which in turn ruins their Christmas memories in general - the hateful gift that keeps on giving). [Amazon]
lime_green says: "Some Spanx® and a box of enemas." [Your local drug store]
G3istbot shared this amazing story: "I decided to 'prank' a friend a while back ago. I was watching TV very late at night, and these infomercial things for this 'green prayer cloth' kept coming up. On it they claimed it was completely free, just call, give your name and address, and they'll send it to you immediately. So I decided to give it a try, called and left a voicemail type thing with the full name and address of my friend.
Sure enough about 3 weeks later he receives the green prayer cloth. He called me up asking about it, and sounded really confused. I told him I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, and that he should just ship it back. What I didn't know though, what I couldn't have had possibly anticipated is the horrific roller coaster of what would become this green prayer cloth had just begun. Not long after he received it he began receiving phone calls and letters, telling him how if he sends the cloth back they will rub some holy oils on it for a small fee. It didn't matter how many times he told them no or tried to stop them from calling him, they just wouldn't stop.
He finally decided he'd 'do it' just to try and make it all stop. Big mistake on his part, because after receiving his new holy oiled prayer cloth he began to receive offers from all sorts of different religious things from different groups.
To this day he still gets them, although it's become less so in the passing years. So, in short if you want to get them something that really becomes a far greater burden as time goes on, get them something like that. Doesn't even have to be religious, just something really simple and stupid that instantly puts them on a 'suckers' list of sort." [Don Stewart Association, you dicks]
And I'm still going with my original suggestion of pet monkey. It's an expensive gift, yes, but what else can you be sure will break someone's heart while ripping his or her face off? [PetSmart?]
Thanks for your suggestions. We'll take more in the comments if you've got them.
[Monkey picture via Meister Photos/Shutterstock]