Yoko Ono's Opening Ceremony Fashion Line Is for Men Who Want Hands, Any Hands, On Their Balls

Yoko Ono has collaborated with Opening Ceremony on a fashion line for men that is unwearable even by Opening Ceremony's standards. Yoko Ono Fashions for Men 1969-2012 "is based on a book of hand-drawn illustrations that Yoko presented to John Lennon on the occasion of their wedding." It mostly concerns itself with emphasizing things like shoulders, nipples, inner thighs and crotches. You know, all the erogenous zones where men like to be kissed and dab perfume. If these are true to Ono's 43-year-old sketches, they are nothing less than visionary because they look straight out of club-kid hell. They are the apparel equivalent of that high-pitched, "Whoomp whoomp!" (or "Whoot whoot!" depending on your region) yelp party people unleash when they are having the best time on the dance floor.

If you know one thing about Yoko Ono Fashions for Men 1969-2012, know that Ono likes to put hands on men's balls. If you want to know a few more things, though, here they are:

Yoko Ono's Opening Ceremony Fashion Line Is for Men Who Want Hands, Any Hands, On Their Balls

This is the "Butt Hoodie," but that sketch is of a pair of fat saggy balls if I've ever seen 'em, and I have seen 'em. It costs $75.

Yoko Ono's Opening Ceremony Fashion Line Is for Men Who Want Hands, Any Hands, On Their Balls

This is a "bandeau bra" for men. Why would a man need a bra? Well, how else could he get LED lights to stay where his nipples are? LED lights on nipples bring a femmy whimsy to tit-piggishness and can also help direct people to the exit of the club in the event of an evacuation (say a bottle of poppers is spilled). This time of year, LED nips also help telegraph your holiday spirit. For the self-expression and public service it provides, the Lightbulb Bra is a steal at $250.

Yoko Ono's Opening Ceremony Fashion Line Is for Men Who Want Hands, Any Hands, On Their Balls

This is a Bell Board. Those things on that transparent chest plaque are bells. People can ring these bells for service. I'm talking about downtown. The cost for being a beck-and-call boy? A mere $400.

Yoko Ono's Opening Ceremony Fashion Line Is for Men Who Want Hands, Any Hands, On Their Balls

This jock strap costs $200. It has an LED light on its front because that is where the penis is.