American Politicians Need to Step it Up, Because China is Killing Us in Political Sex Scandals Now, TooS

As our wonderful presidential debates constantly reminded us, China is the biggest foreign threat to American world domination since Usain Bolt or something. I don't know, I don't remember the debates. Do you remember the debates? Pouches full of something, am I right? Anyway, China is going to ruin us and our children and our children's children because they simply do things better than us. That now includes political sex scandals, which means we're really in trouble.

China is currently being rocked (countries are always rocked) by a sex scandal that involves blackmail and a SEX TAPE. We've never had a true political sex tape (at least one that wasn't ordered by a judge to be destroyed), unless you count Alan Grayson screaming at Republicans on the House floor (I think I will). Rogue Chinese journalist Zhu Ruifeng got his hands on a tape of Communist Party politician Lei Zhengfu, which depicts Lei boinking an 18-year-old woman. This would be incredible enough, but then there's the part where the woman was sent by a construction executive who planned to use the tape as blackmail to strong-arm his way into municipal contracts. Oh, and it gets even better.

The video was covered up by Bo Xilal, a party secretary who had the construction executive and woman arrested and put in jail. SIDEBAR: Bo Xilal's wife was once convicted of murdering a British businessman WITH POISON. Bo is himself slated to go on trial for receiving bribes and participating in "improper sexual conduct," which means that Bo and Lei might be the greatest political wingmen of the 21st century.

In any event, the real story here is that America has once again fallen behind China in yet another race. My memory of "The Sopranos" is a bit rough, but this strikes me as a reverse ripped-from-the-headlines plot, which means that we need to step it the fuck up. President Obama and the rest of our country's politicians have pledged to slow China's rise to the top of the world, and now they know they have to do: sex tapes. It's the harsh truth. At the very least, bring back John Edwards and Bill Clinton. I'm sure they'll be glad to help out.

[via LA times]