Feeling overwhelmed with the rash of Lohan coverage that has broken out all over the media since yesterday? That's how Lindsay Lohan feels all the time, she's so overwhelmed, can everyone just stop talking, she's feeling really overwhelmed right now, she needs a cigarette, will everyone just SHUT UP?
The revelations came fast and furious, and the details were as crazy as if the story had been composed via Mad Lib: After attending a [JUSTIN BIEBER] concert, Lindsay Lohan [PUNCHED] a [PSYCHIC].
Use this Lindsay Lowdown to get your story straight (before you talk to the cops).
Wednesday evening, early: Lindsay and her sister Ali travel to Madison Square Garden on a Lohan holiday. Justin Bieber is performing there with special guests The Wanted (and Carly Rae Jepsen). She sits in front of New York Times writer Jon Caramanica, who notes that she leaves early after getting "swarmed." But she probably only wanted to see the opening acts anyway because...
Thursday morning, wee hours: Lindsay (allegedly) gets sloshed at Avenue, a club in Chelsea. She is said to be making moves on Max George, one of the singers from The Wanted.
At some point, a woman in a neighboring booth does something to whip Lohan into a fury. By some accounts, her offense is talking to George. The woman contends that she merely approached Lohan to give her a psychic reading. The two (or members of their respective parties) trade insults and Lohan allegedly punches the woman in the face. The woman's husband calls the police. Lohan attempts to flee the scene.
Thursday morning, 4 a.m.: Police intercept Lohan's car and arrest her on assault charges. Lohan asks if they are "kidding." They are not.
Thursday morning, 8 a.m.: Lohan is issued a desk appearance ticket requiring her to return to face charges at a later date and released from the police station. Her assistant, Gavin Doyle, follows her into the car. He and Lohan briefly scream at one another and she kicks him out of the vehicle in front of reporters.
If She's So Psychic, Why Didn't She Duck?
Far and away the best detail of this story is that Tiffany Ava Mitchell, the woman whose face was inextricably drawn to Lohan's fist, is a psychic from Florida.
Mitchell told TMZ she had had a "premonition" about Lindsay and approached her in da club to give her a "free reading." According to this version of the story, Lohan didn't fall for it (the first three minutes are always free), and told Mitchell, "give me my space."
Mitchell claims that a friend overheard Lohan call her "a fucking gypsy" as Mitchell walked away. According to Mitchell, the friend rounded on Lohan, calling her a "whore" and offering non-constructive criticism of Lohan's recent TV movie Liz & Dick (it "sucked").
At that point, Mitchell claims, Lohan punched her in the eye.
Mitchell's husband explained to TMZ that he and his wife are not Gypsies, have never even been to Egypt, are merely conjurors of tricks, and called Lindsay's comment "racist."
"We are not Gypsies. That has nothing to do with our religion ... it was a racist comment."
Why Did She Kick Her Assistant Out of the Car?
Here is a partial transcript of the fight Lindsay and her assistant, Gavin Doyle, had before a horde of reporters, which culminated in her kicking him out of her chauffeured SUV:
"GAVIN, GET OUT OF THE CAR! GET OUT OF THE CAR, GAVIN! Get him out of the car! Get him out of the car, NOW! Gavin, get out! Gavin, get out of the fucking car. NOW."
While it's not clear from the video exactly what happened to sever the sacred bond between a girl and her assistant, there's speculation that Lohan may blame Gavin for some of her other legal troubles.
After Lohan crashed a Porsche she was driving this past June, she reportedly told police that Gavin had been behind the wheel. Gavin's own testimony (and, presumably, that of other witnesses) contradicted Lohan's statements to cops, and, just yesterday, she was formally charged with lying to a police officer. Gavin also was a suspect, along with Lindsay, when the actress was accused of stealing some jewels in August. He sounds like kind of a bad assistant, to be honest.
How Did Her Assistant Take That Public Diss?
Poorly. (But really, why didn't they just work out in the police station whether or not he was going to be allowed in the car?)
Gavin responded by implying on Twitter that Lohan should go to rehab:
He's also picked up a couple hundred followers since yesterday, so life for Gavin Dyole is pretty sweet right now.
What is Barbara Walters Gonna Do About This?
For the time being, Barbara Walters seems content to rubberneck like the rest of us. However, she is very, very concerned. Earlier today, she used the word "dangerous" like a thousand times when talking about Lohan to In Touch magazine:
...I just think she's in a very dangerous place right now—and I'm concerned for her. What I feel mostly about Lindsay, whom I know, is when you meet her, she's a very vulnerable, very sweet girl. She's just in a terrible place in her life right now. With all of these different accusations against her, it's a very dangerous time for her.
Barbara also called Lohan's decision to very publicly ditch her 20/20 interview "unwise."
What Happens Now?
We bide our time and wait for more psychics to emerge, because nothing else on earth is as important as this saga. Lohan, who is on probation, will soon have to answer for her three misdemeanor charges stemming from this summer's car wreck in Los Angeles. If convicted, she could face jail time. (Probably not much of it, though: In 2011, she was incarcerated for less than five hours of a 30-day sentence, due to overcrowding.) Yesterday's charge, third-degree assault, will qualify as a misdemeanor if Lohan is found guilty.
The psychic reportedly met with attorney Gloria Allred today, so really, things are just starting to get good.