Why The Supreme Court Hasn't Taken Either Gay Marriage Case YetS

The Supreme Court met Friday to discuss the possibility of hearing arguments for two high-profile cases concerning gay marriage (one for California's Proposition 8 and the other for the federal Defense of Marriage Act), but "surprised" everyone when they made neither a decision nor an announcement by the end of the day.

Maybe they'll make an announcement Monday, maybe they'll wait until they meet again in January. Maybe they'll put their fingers in their ears and chant "I can't hear you, I can't hear you" until the seas turn red and the sun wheezes itself into blackness. They had been "widely expected to decide whether to take up a case that could ultimately determine whether there is a fundamental right to same-sex marriage," but you can't pin these nine free spirits down. They have their reasons for not making a decision yet, reasons like:

  • Too focused on hunting down international person of interest John McAfee
  • Preparing for winter hibernation; too sleepy and full of Ovaltine to listen to anyone present an argument
  • Planning a justices-only slumber party (NO APPELLATE COURT JUDGES ALLOWED)
  • Too nice out to think about work today
  • Finally having a Gilmore Girls, Golden Girls, and Girls marathon
  • Still grieving the loss of Bazooka Joe; too inconsolable to hear cases during mourning period
  • Too sticky and covered in gum to open the door to the chambers. Gum is everywhere, even on each justice's personal copy of the real Constitution
  • all Googling themselves
  • Arc of the universe is long but it bends toward justice
  • Still can't believe the guy who plays Carlisle in the Twlight movies is dating the actress from Thor
  • Editing each other's NaNoWriMo manuscripts (everyone agrees Breyer's is the only one worth querying)
  • Concerned about acting deliberately; as Northwestern law professor Andrew Koppelman puts it:

    "What do they have to gain by hearing this case? Either they impose same sex marriage on the whole country, which would create a political firestorm, or they say there's no right to same-sex marriage, in which case they are going to be reversed in 20 years and be badly remembered. They'll be the villains in the historical narrative."

  • Antonin Scalia has finally morphed into Battle Mode and must sally forth to defeat Ganon
  • Decided to go "off the grid" and just drive around the country meeting people, really "seeing" America
  • Tired of listening to arguments; when is anyone going to listen to them for a change? They have problems too. And thoughts. Lots of thoughts. About a lot of stuff, if anyone would listen, which they don't
  • Everyone finally finished reading Gone Girl and they really want to talk about Margo
  • Frozen in ice

    [Image via AP]